"The acting business" - Transfer to Rutgers - Personal Statement

Hi guys, I want to transfer to Rutgers from Ithaca College, this is the answer to the personal statement question: tell us how you believe a Rutgers education will help you achieve your personal enrichment or career goals. So, if someone could read it and tell me how it is that'd be very appreciated!

There are three goals that I would like to achieve through my college education. First: study a subject that I am passionate about; Second: have the opportunities to study wide varieties of subjects; Third: find a school environment that fit me well personally. Rutgers University is my very top choice based on these three goals.

I majored in BFA Acting at Ithaca College. I have been fascinated with theater arts since early childhood and have always wanted to pursue a career as an actress. While I was in Ithaca, I studied very hard because I loved the subject and was determined to become a successful actress. After taking two semesters off from school to explore acting opportunities in New York City, I realized that education would prepare me better for broader opportunities in acting business.

I am eager to go back to school, not only because Theatre Arts is where my passion at, but most importantly, I want to receive education in wide varieties of subjects while major in Theater Arts. I believe the more knowledge I have, the better equipped I will be to create the most extraordinary value to the society. Rutgers offers more than 4000 undergraduate classes, which I would take full advantage of to learn as much as I possibly can as a student at Rutgers.

I can also benefits from the Rutgers' location as well. I came to United States about six years ago. During the time, I was separated from my family. Fortunately, my parents are able to join me in the United States. After years of separation, I decided to stay close to home and enjoy the joyous and excitement of the family reunion.

In conclusion based on my personal goals of studying an object that I am passionate about, as well as expanding my educational knowledge and still stay close to home, Rutgers University fits all of my expectations. With all of the endless opportunity, Rutgers University can make my dreams and goals obtainable.

I like the specific way you list them, but they are all vague. I would be more impressed if you already knew a subject you were passionate about (even if you may find new subjects of interest in the future).

Oh!! I see that you do have a subject of interest. So instead of saying you want to study a subject you are passionate about, say you want to study theater, which you are passionate about.

Notice all the little changes I'll make here:
...not only because Theatre Arts is where my passion lies, but most importantly because I want to receive an education in wide varieties of subjects while majoring in Theater Arts.

:-)