150 Word Elaboration on one of my activities... let me know what you think
This summer I decided to look into the oft-discussed online community radio station, iTNTRadio.com. I was amazed at what I saw: the team had managed to consolidate an array of outlets for teen expression, including shows and blogs containing media reviews. As I saw the tagline "JOIN THE SUMMER TAKEOVER," I knew I had found my summer project. I met the interns, the most eclectic and purely dedicated group. Work officially ended at 4:30, yet there we were 'til 6 bouncing ideas. I was able to experience working at a fully operating media company. My responsibilities grew to include maintaining the daily blog, organizing an archive of past shows, and designing and developing a new sports site. I truly realized the power of the freely expressed voice of a community. The sky was the limit, with ideas often becoming reality. Thus our motto: BECAUSE WE CAN!
Some people have told me to make it more formal, i.e. replacing "bouncing ideas" with "brainstorming."
Glad to hear your opinion
I truly realized the power of the freely expressed voice of a community. (Before you make an assertion like this, tell about a difference you made, a success story. It only has to be one sentence.)
The sky was the limit, with ideas often becoming reality. AWESOME SENTENCE!
Use a comma here
Thus, our motto:
You write very well! The way you varied sentence length and type in this shows a real knack for the craft of writing...
I agree with kevin about the "I truly realized.." sentence. I feel that you should develop more on that idea by including a personal experience that made you realize that. other than that it is a pretty solid response.
You also showed that when you are doing something you like, you are willing to do the work and much more. Your excitement is evident throughout this piece. You made me believe that you can be a successful college student.
Wow.. great essay..
I love the way you write, and I cannot find any more mistakes in it!
Love the way you write. Your essay seems to show your passion of free voice.
Good luck:)
I forgot to follow up, but thanks for the advice! The final version ended up being more or less along the lines of your suggestions, and I got into my first choice college!!
it kept me interesting and was short and sweet. the sentence about work ending at 4:30 is not a complete sentece and is also not structured well. i re-read it about 4 times and was still a little confused by it, maybe u might want to change or re word it so it makes more sense:) Good Job though!
