Activity, interest, experience, or achievement in your life -- FAMU Essay

Please review for content / errors and comment on my essay for Undergraduate Admission to FAMU... THANKS!! Any help is greatly appreciated!

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Essay Prompt:
Describe an activity, interest, experience, or achievement in your life (250 words or less)
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Taking a chance can change your future. In February 2010, I got my first job at the local "Red Elephant Pizza & Grill", one that I still have to this day. I applied for the job at the age of 16, not expecting to be hired. After I got a call back right away, and a successful interview, I was offered my first job. This job experience has been particularly meaningful in my life and has truly helped me learn and grow. I have made the most of my time there since, working to make my way up the corporate ladder.

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Taking a chance can change your future. This doesn't seem like a strong enough intro. Don't get me wrong, it's intriguing, but I feel like it's been used before. In February 2010, I got my first job at the local "Red Elephant Pizza & Grill", one that I still have to this day.I don't think this is needed because it's probably already on your app. I applied for the job at the age of 16, not expecting to be hired. After I got a call back right away, and a successful interview, I was offered my first job. This job experience has been particularly meaningful in my life and has truly helped me learn and grow. I have made the most of my time there since, working to make my way up the corporate ladder. I currently work as a table busser and a dishwasher, and my work must be done in a quick, safe, and efficient manner. I also look forward to moving up in the restaurant as my managers continue to see the potential in me. These two sentences seem awkward to me. The first sentence is because I think you're job is already in your app. However, I think you should keep the whole "efficient thing. Just rephrase it. The second one its just phrased awkwardly. Just rephrase it and it'll be fine.

Since I have been there, I have been able to see how a business works and how the facility is run. It is much different being behind the scenes, and doing the work rather than receiving the benefits of it as a customer. Everybody must work together to make everything work right, and that is one thing I have learned well there - teamwork. The feeling of accomplishment and experiences I have gathered in the short time I have been there are ones I will remember for my entire life, and there are many more experiences to come.

It's a good start. There are some things that need to be tweaked, but it's good so far. I'm not getting a personal experience from you. I kind of feel like you're just listing things, but not really explaining it. Good luck.