Looking for feedback on: grammar. sentences that sound corny, stupid, unnecessary, or out-of-place. things I can cut out. overall impression.
I appreciate harsh & specific critiques. Thanks for reading ! (:
UW Activity Log: Describe up to five of the most significant activities you have participated in during grades 9-12. Why this activity had meaning for you; your highest level of achievement or honor you attained; any responsibilities you had; and the contribution you believe you made to your school, community, or organization. Don't just describe the activity: tell us what it tells us about you.
1. Club Hope / Amnesty International
In my sophomore year, my English teacher did a presentation on the genocide in Darfur. My friends and I were profoundly affected by this information and were surprised that such atrocities could be happening without us knowing about it. As a result, in my junior year, I helped found Club H.O.P.E. (Helping Other People Everywhere) at our school, in an effort to raise awareness about human rights issues around the world. We held a benefit concert, silent auction and raffle, and raised over $9000. The money was donated to Amnesty International and Genocide Intervention Network, and we were AI's highest-grossing high school in the western United States. Being in this club has taught me a lot; I've learned how to start an organization, plan and organize a big event, communicate between team members, and hold a successful fundraiser. The most important thing I've gained from these past two years of experience, however, is the appreciation I've attained for the world around us, and the pride that comes when you realize that you CAN make a difference in the world. As Gandhi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world," and we are all taking the initiative to do so.
2. Singing
I've been singing since I learned to talk. From memorizing the lyrics to every Disney song imaginable, to singing into hairbrushes and shampoo bottles, to karaoke parties and "Rock Band", singing has been a part of every day of my life. I memorize lyrics easily, and my music library consists of thousands of songs. Music has an incredible influence in my life, and my mood can change completely in a four-minute song. I've been in choir since I was in 6th grade and in sophomore year I auditioned and was accepted into Chorale, the most prestigious choir at my school, which I am still part of today. I've also taken voice lessons to improve my range and skill. Singing is one of the quintessential aspects of my life, and my dedication to choir and singing has remained constant through the years.
3. France
In the summer of 2006, my family went on a trip to Europe. In Montpellier, a small city in southern France, my family left me behind. I had enrolled in a program called The Oxbridge Experience, where students take classes and live in dorm rooms for a month in France, England or Spain. I had signed up to take photojournalism and studio art classes, and attending these every day. After classes, the days were filled with planned activities: we could go ice-skating, see an opera, go out to dinner with friends, or just stay on campus and hang out. The freedom we were given was wonderful. During the last week, we went to Paris and visited to Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, and many other famous landmarks. The four weeks I spent in France were some of the best of my life. I now have friends all over the world, from California to Singapore and Croatia, and I still talk to some of them almost every day. It's amazing how close you can become to someone in a single week; after just a few days, I felt closer to some of these people that to some people that I've known for years. In that month, I became much more outgoing and talkative. I also learned a lot, such as how to use a dSLR camera, which is a skill I've used constantly since then. I learned how to deal with language barriers (I learned Japanese in high school, and don't speak any French). And perhaps most importantly, this experience taught me how to live by myself and be more independent, as well as share a bathroom with a hallway of other people, two things I know I'll need in college. I will always be thankful for such a wonderful opportunity, and will never forget it.
4. Working with Kids
I've always been good with kids. I've been babysitting since I was in 7th grade, but before then, at events and parties, I would entertain and play with all the younger kids as well. As a sophomore, I was a counselor for sixth-grade camp. We made sure the kids were safe, led them in songs, and told ghost stories. The kids knew me as the counselor they could come to if they needed help or someone to talk to; for example, one of my campers, Kayla, got homesick on the first night and called me to sit with her until she fell asleep. Being a counselor was like babysitting 45 kids for three days straight, but I bonded with the kids and the other counselors, and had a lot of fun.
In the first quarter of my senior year, I volunteered as a Teacher's Assistant and at preschool for families who have financial difficulties. I watched the kids to make sure they were paying attention, but I also got to play with them, watch their jaws drop in awe when I unfolded a paper snowflake, and laugh at their screams of delight at a simple game of tag. I comforted them when their mothers left and they started to cry; I read them books and helped them do puzzles. It was a humbling experience, as well - it made me realize how privileged and lucky I am. By the end of the quarter, I found myself so attached to the kids that I didn't want to leave. In fact, I've gone back a couple times since then to say hi and help out. They always seem welcome for the help; I'm always willing to give it.
5. Art
When I was young, I used to take a foot-high pile of paper, stick it on the table in front of me with my crayons and markers, and draw for hours. I asked for pens, pads and notebooks for Christmas. I was always borrowing my parents' cameras, and I was ecstatic when I got a digital camera of my own - it was the kind that you bought at the toy store, nearly indestructible, and I took it everywhere. Since then, I've had a couple of "point-and-shoot" cameras, and now I have a dSLR Canon Rebel XT. My photography skill has grown since my first camera, and I've found a lot more beauty in the world through the lens of a camera. The big picture is often too crowded, too busy; it rarely makes for a good picture. However, even in the ugliest setting, you can find a beautiful picture in the details. A droplet of water hanging off of a leaf or the rust accumulating on a railing can be the subject of excellent photography. I apply this theory to my life all the time. When the "big picture" is too busy and overwhelming, I focus on details, on the little things.
I've been lucky to take several art classes at Punahou. In my foundation art class, I was awarded an art commendation. I took Photography I last summer, which allowed me access to a darkroom and introduced me to black and white film photography; I'm enrolled in Photo II next semester. I also took a photojournalism class while living in France for a month. I am currently taking glassblowing, and every day I work with 2000-degree molten glass to create cups, bowls and vases. It's difficult and dangerous, but also thrilling. Always being surrounded by art has expanded my creativity, and I'm always ready when inspiration strikes.
I appreciate harsh & specific critiques. Thanks for reading ! (:
UW Activity Log: Describe up to five of the most significant activities you have participated in during grades 9-12. Why this activity had meaning for you; your highest level of achievement or honor you attained; any responsibilities you had; and the contribution you believe you made to your school, community, or organization. Don't just describe the activity: tell us what it tells us about you.
1. Club Hope / Amnesty International
In my sophomore year, my English teacher did a presentation on the genocide in Darfur. My friends and I were profoundly affected by this information and were surprised that such atrocities could be happening without us knowing about it. As a result, in my junior year, I helped found Club H.O.P.E. (Helping Other People Everywhere) at our school, in an effort to raise awareness about human rights issues around the world. We held a benefit concert, silent auction and raffle, and raised over $9000. The money was donated to Amnesty International and Genocide Intervention Network, and we were AI's highest-grossing high school in the western United States. Being in this club has taught me a lot; I've learned how to start an organization, plan and organize a big event, communicate between team members, and hold a successful fundraiser. The most important thing I've gained from these past two years of experience, however, is the appreciation I've attained for the world around us, and the pride that comes when you realize that you CAN make a difference in the world. As Gandhi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world," and we are all taking the initiative to do so.
2. Singing
I've been singing since I learned to talk. From memorizing the lyrics to every Disney song imaginable, to singing into hairbrushes and shampoo bottles, to karaoke parties and "Rock Band", singing has been a part of every day of my life. I memorize lyrics easily, and my music library consists of thousands of songs. Music has an incredible influence in my life, and my mood can change completely in a four-minute song. I've been in choir since I was in 6th grade and in sophomore year I auditioned and was accepted into Chorale, the most prestigious choir at my school, which I am still part of today. I've also taken voice lessons to improve my range and skill. Singing is one of the quintessential aspects of my life, and my dedication to choir and singing has remained constant through the years.
3. France
In the summer of 2006, my family went on a trip to Europe. In Montpellier, a small city in southern France, my family left me behind. I had enrolled in a program called The Oxbridge Experience, where students take classes and live in dorm rooms for a month in France, England or Spain. I had signed up to take photojournalism and studio art classes, and attending these every day. After classes, the days were filled with planned activities: we could go ice-skating, see an opera, go out to dinner with friends, or just stay on campus and hang out. The freedom we were given was wonderful. During the last week, we went to Paris and visited to Louvre, the Eiffel Tower, and many other famous landmarks. The four weeks I spent in France were some of the best of my life. I now have friends all over the world, from California to Singapore and Croatia, and I still talk to some of them almost every day. It's amazing how close you can become to someone in a single week; after just a few days, I felt closer to some of these people that to some people that I've known for years. In that month, I became much more outgoing and talkative. I also learned a lot, such as how to use a dSLR camera, which is a skill I've used constantly since then. I learned how to deal with language barriers (I learned Japanese in high school, and don't speak any French). And perhaps most importantly, this experience taught me how to live by myself and be more independent, as well as share a bathroom with a hallway of other people, two things I know I'll need in college. I will always be thankful for such a wonderful opportunity, and will never forget it.
4. Working with Kids
I've always been good with kids. I've been babysitting since I was in 7th grade, but before then, at events and parties, I would entertain and play with all the younger kids as well. As a sophomore, I was a counselor for sixth-grade camp. We made sure the kids were safe, led them in songs, and told ghost stories. The kids knew me as the counselor they could come to if they needed help or someone to talk to; for example, one of my campers, Kayla, got homesick on the first night and called me to sit with her until she fell asleep. Being a counselor was like babysitting 45 kids for three days straight, but I bonded with the kids and the other counselors, and had a lot of fun.
In the first quarter of my senior year, I volunteered as a Teacher's Assistant and at preschool for families who have financial difficulties. I watched the kids to make sure they were paying attention, but I also got to play with them, watch their jaws drop in awe when I unfolded a paper snowflake, and laugh at their screams of delight at a simple game of tag. I comforted them when their mothers left and they started to cry; I read them books and helped them do puzzles. It was a humbling experience, as well - it made me realize how privileged and lucky I am. By the end of the quarter, I found myself so attached to the kids that I didn't want to leave. In fact, I've gone back a couple times since then to say hi and help out. They always seem welcome for the help; I'm always willing to give it.
5. Art
When I was young, I used to take a foot-high pile of paper, stick it on the table in front of me with my crayons and markers, and draw for hours. I asked for pens, pads and notebooks for Christmas. I was always borrowing my parents' cameras, and I was ecstatic when I got a digital camera of my own - it was the kind that you bought at the toy store, nearly indestructible, and I took it everywhere. Since then, I've had a couple of "point-and-shoot" cameras, and now I have a dSLR Canon Rebel XT. My photography skill has grown since my first camera, and I've found a lot more beauty in the world through the lens of a camera. The big picture is often too crowded, too busy; it rarely makes for a good picture. However, even in the ugliest setting, you can find a beautiful picture in the details. A droplet of water hanging off of a leaf or the rust accumulating on a railing can be the subject of excellent photography. I apply this theory to my life all the time. When the "big picture" is too busy and overwhelming, I focus on details, on the little things.
I've been lucky to take several art classes at Punahou. In my foundation art class, I was awarded an art commendation. I took Photography I last summer, which allowed me access to a darkroom and introduced me to black and white film photography; I'm enrolled in Photo II next semester. I also took a photojournalism class while living in France for a month. I am currently taking glassblowing, and every day I work with 2000-degree molten glass to create cups, bowls and vases. It's difficult and dangerous, but also thrilling. Always being surrounded by art has expanded my creativity, and I'm always ready when inspiration strikes.