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For revision or suggestions: The activity I like most


tonydengcnu 23 / 17  
Nov 19, 2008   #1
I'm very passionate about long-distance running which can make my physically strong and benefit my determination. I once participated in Running Competition on behalf of my lass and persisted in running till the end. On hearing the gun, all competitors strived for take the first place. For me, my aim set was the first thing and then I had to follow "my aim". I maintained my speed without interference like my daily training to form swift steps with rhythm. Soon after, those who are physically strong remained ahead while weaker ones tended to lag behind. My own speed still kept me a steady level in competing with others. Gradually, majority hardly followed the group but only a few after two thirds of our distance. By devoting all efforts, I quicken my steps to surpass others with faster arm swing. Eventually, I dashed toward the ending with my classmates' supports and smiles. Undoubtedly, only by persistence, can we dash toward the ending.

EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 19, 2008   #2
Good evening :)

A few thoughts. First, avoid contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate. For instance, "I'm" should be "I am."

Make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences. As such, "Running Competition" shouldn't be capitalized.

When using quotation marks, make sure that you always include your punctuation inside of your quotes. For instance, "my aim". should be "my aim."

Make sure you stay in the same tense throughout the piece. In your sentence "By devoting all efforts, I quicken my steps to surpass others with faster arm swing" is in the present tense, whereas the rest of your sentence is in past tense. Also, what do you mean by "Gradually, majority hardly followed the group but only a few after two thirds of our distance"? This is a confusing sentence.

Make sure your subjects and verbs agree throughout your piece. For example, "...my classmates' supports and smiles" should be "...my classmates' support and smiles" because "supports" is the wrong form of the word as it is used here.

In regards to content, this is a very good short descriptive piece; it tells a good story without too many details, has a catchy intro and a conclusion that wraps it up. Good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP tonydengcnu 23 / 17  
Nov 20, 2008   #3
thanks, Gloria. I have another question. can you recommend someone's writing for me to read, to learn and to imitate? thanks. (of course, my aim is to write elegant English)
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 20, 2008   #4
Absolutely :) I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here. Another one that is great for specifics is the Little, Brown, Compact Handbook by Jane E. Aaron. This one is more thorough and costs a bit more, and I'm not sure if you can find it in the library, but it is definitely worth it.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP tonydengcnu 23 / 17  
Dec 9, 2008   #5
thanks for your suggestions and recommendations


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