I really need a feedback to both of my essays for the U of I application. I am not a good writer since English is not my first language.
I don't feel that my essays are interesting but i don't know how to improve them please help
Thank you
Essay 1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.
Standing across the street form John Hancock building on Michigan avenue, I lifted my eyes to the height of the building. It stood affirming its distinction from its surrounding. It displayed its naked steel frame structure, yet it arrogantly claimed the true nature of architectural presence. I kept gazing at it, taking in its dark stature and the dominance it exerts. "You have the rest of downtown to gawk at!" my uncle says while pulling at my arm. The John Hancock building was to set the status at which I would measure up a veraciously simple structure.
This was what I felt four years ago seeing downtown, Chicago for the first time. It was my first to see such boldness in a building and such height because buildings like this did not exist where I was a month ago. I grew up knowing that Architecture in Ethiopia meant only fulfilling the basic need of shelter. A few calculations and drawing a few lines of geometry would be enough to accomplish the desired result. But, I understood then, that any inhabitable space must be structurally stable and enduring. Adhering to this principle, I was motivated to do something different, to put in some creativity and thought into a design of a building.
I realized continuing my walk down Michigan Avenue that it was possible to go further than just mathematical calculations. Architecture is art and must be visually engaging to those that interact with it every day and spend their entire life in and around it. Although overwhelmed by the rapid change of architectural ideas and technology, I am eager to understand the nature of a building from the conceptual process to the composition of structural elements. With an excellent academic program at UIUC, I can attain the knowledge and experience that would allow me to meet my goal and become an exceptional architect.
Essay 2: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.
When my neighbor, a home maker, asked me to help her with one of her children, I was reluctant because I didn't know what to expect form a mentally challenged teenager a few years younger than I. I was relieved when she said I was just to play with him and keep him busy while she gets some house work done, which meant not being left alone with him in the house in case any incidents would lead to chaos.
As I walked through the door I saw Thomas in the living room, sitting on a sofa watching TV. His mother introduced us and slipped out of the room leaving me standing in the living room awkwardly. Thomas looked at me curiously and asked me my name a couple of times before he decided to give me a new one. I rationed that I would keep quite and let him do the asking, thinking that my attempt to initiate any kind of conversation would trigger his tantrum. My presumptuous expectation turned out to be wrong. For the next few hours Thomas and I watched TV, played games, and laughed together. It was the beginning of an unlikely friendship. I walked in that house not expecting to last one minute, but walked out hours later cheerful and glad to have met this person.
Fun days with Thomas were many after that first meeting just relaxing and enjoying each moment. I was there to look out for him and he in return showed me how to relax, throw away the stress of the day even for a moment, because it will be there when that moment fades.
I don't feel that my essays are interesting but i don't know how to improve them please help
Thank you
Essay 1: In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.
Standing across the street form John Hancock building on Michigan avenue, I lifted my eyes to the height of the building. It stood affirming its distinction from its surrounding. It displayed its naked steel frame structure, yet it arrogantly claimed the true nature of architectural presence. I kept gazing at it, taking in its dark stature and the dominance it exerts. "You have the rest of downtown to gawk at!" my uncle says while pulling at my arm. The John Hancock building was to set the status at which I would measure up a veraciously simple structure.
This was what I felt four years ago seeing downtown, Chicago for the first time. It was my first to see such boldness in a building and such height because buildings like this did not exist where I was a month ago. I grew up knowing that Architecture in Ethiopia meant only fulfilling the basic need of shelter. A few calculations and drawing a few lines of geometry would be enough to accomplish the desired result. But, I understood then, that any inhabitable space must be structurally stable and enduring. Adhering to this principle, I was motivated to do something different, to put in some creativity and thought into a design of a building.
I realized continuing my walk down Michigan Avenue that it was possible to go further than just mathematical calculations. Architecture is art and must be visually engaging to those that interact with it every day and spend their entire life in and around it. Although overwhelmed by the rapid change of architectural ideas and technology, I am eager to understand the nature of a building from the conceptual process to the composition of structural elements. With an excellent academic program at UIUC, I can attain the knowledge and experience that would allow me to meet my goal and become an exceptional architect.
Essay 2: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience, or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.
When my neighbor, a home maker, asked me to help her with one of her children, I was reluctant because I didn't know what to expect form a mentally challenged teenager a few years younger than I. I was relieved when she said I was just to play with him and keep him busy while she gets some house work done, which meant not being left alone with him in the house in case any incidents would lead to chaos.
As I walked through the door I saw Thomas in the living room, sitting on a sofa watching TV. His mother introduced us and slipped out of the room leaving me standing in the living room awkwardly. Thomas looked at me curiously and asked me my name a couple of times before he decided to give me a new one. I rationed that I would keep quite and let him do the asking, thinking that my attempt to initiate any kind of conversation would trigger his tantrum. My presumptuous expectation turned out to be wrong. For the next few hours Thomas and I watched TV, played games, and laughed together. It was the beginning of an unlikely friendship. I walked in that house not expecting to last one minute, but walked out hours later cheerful and glad to have met this person.
Fun days with Thomas were many after that first meeting just relaxing and enjoying each moment. I was there to look out for him and he in return showed me how to relax, throw away the stress of the day even for a moment, because it will be there when that moment fades.
