Admissions for Miami International University of Art & Design

Must be at least 150, i have 220.

my admissions director advised my to make it 3 paragraphs, where i speak about myself, why i want to study fashion merchandising, why i should be admitted, talents, my goals, and why i expect MIU will help attain my goals.

i need help to see if what i wrote is okay. heres what i have:

My name is Brenda Monterrey and I am a 22-year-old girl born and raised in Miami, Florida with a big heart and eye for fashion. For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to be in the fashion industry. I believe I should be admitted because this is the field for me, I am very passionate about my interest and willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I accomplish my goals. I'm the type of person that will walk into a store and know exactly what to buy, and what pieces of clothing work and don't work; I believe that the strongest skill which comes naturally.

To me, Miami International University of Art & Design is the best school for me. It's a well know school with a good reputation and I know it will help me gain the skills I need to succeed in the fashion industry. Since I was a little girl I have dreamed of being a fashion buyer, working in fashion shows and having the chance to be someone's stylist and I know it can happen.

I believe that Miami International University of Art & Design will provide me with the tools and skills I need to succeed in in this field, and help make my goals and dreams come true.

Hei Brenda! :D

I think it's better to ditch the "My name is x and i'm y years old and for as long as I can remember" intro and actually write about what made you realize that you like fashion so much. Show the reader what's special about you. A good intro is the easiest way to do that so try to reformulate the first paragraph.

When you say why you chose that particular college, maybe you could say what program you're interested in. In my opinion, mentioning only the reputation of the school as concrete fact makes you sound superficial.

I always recommend killing this phrase: "I believe"

Kill it dead. It always takes power from the sentence. If you are saying a sentence, it is what you believe. By including those two words its almost like saying, "This is what I think, but it is not necessarily true. It's just what I believe."

I should be admitted because this is the field for me, I am very passionate about my interest and willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I accomplish my goals. ---This is a run on sentence. Also, anyone can say this... you have to show it with an example.

Here is the place to begin your essay:
I'm the type of person that will walk into a store and know exactly what to buy, and what pieces of clothing work and don't work; I believe that the strongest skill which comes naturally.-----------This is the first sentence!! Take your inspiration from it, and let the writing happen from here!

:-)

To me, Miami International University of Art & Design is the best school for me. It's a well know school with a good reputation and I know it will help me gain the skills I need to succeed in the fashion industry.