I've posted my commonapp essay which i think pretty much falls under topic of your choice category. Shall be grateful for critique
Quetta was engulfed in a blizzard. It snowed profusely, covering lengths and breadths of this barren city with a blanket of shocking white snow. Such extremeness in weather had confined me within the boundaries of my house, beside the heating element and with an ample time in my hand. Ample time to think, reason, question, self-learn and solve.
What was it that took over my mind, supplanting my thoughts with nothing but itself?
Well let's say it start something like this. My father, a military officer had to move to a new place after every two to three years. Not unusual that we, his family had to follow. This ordeal took its toll on me. As we hopped from one military cantonment to another in a city alien to us, I struggled to find my identity in such a scenario that required me to choose between my heritage and the new culture around me.
Pakistan was a country home to multifarious cultures, mostly with languages or dialects I had neither heard nor was able to converse in. The language, culture and difference in lifestyles were obvious reasons to the difficulty faced in making friends. No matter how hard I tried to adapt to their way of living, their repulsion had generated a massive resistance. Forced into recluse, I vowed not to make any second attempts and had bid an indefinite farewell to my social life. Few years had gone by and a dire need for my decision's revision was needed.
And so I was, thinking over such thoughts that had taken over. Pleased that there were few holidays to spend and yet melancholic, with no friends or social life. It was such ambivalence that had compelled me to spend time and think, make amends, develop a new approach to life itself. And so began a serious of interrogatory questions I hurled at my conscience. Why was I the way I was? Why was I so repellent to change? The whys continued without any answers so far and gradually increased in intensity. It was like I was an official interrogating a dangerous criminal, getting frustrated in the similar fashion upon receiving no answers. And so the session continued in the same ruthless demeanor. The ensuing answers converged to the same conclusion; there was little room for flexibility in my life and my belligerence towards change was obvious.
Aggravated but by the attitudes of those I came across, towards me. I yearned to go back, back to Rawalpindi, back to my old friends and had categorically told my parents that if this nomadic torment continues, never would they see me again. Extreme statement but I knew it was going to work. Would I resort to such thing? Never, but it left its mark.
These rants and tantrums had made the lives of those around me, particularly those of my parents miserable. Not realizing how mentally disturbed they would have been by my absurd and unruly behavior. This thought process continued and reminded me of how I acted similarly when we moved to Multan from Kharian and practically every time we moved to a new place.
Few hours continued and night was already on its edge. Time certainly flies by. What had I been missing all the while? I realized that I was so focused on the fear of moving that I had missed out all the good things and opportunities that were there waiting to be discovered. I was living in the premises of Command and Staff College which was history itself with a plethora to offer. But there was the pessimist I, that kept on fussing when life had so much to offer. It was that moment I resolved to change myself.
Amidst such thoughts I drowsed away. Nevertheless I woke up a different man. For the first time I rose from procrastination and went on to exploit the sporting facilities offered by the institution. Attracted to tennis and riding, I transformed into quite a player than I had expected. Life started to gain momentum and so did my confidence levels. It was while learning to play sports that my social circle began. From then on to date, with important lessons learnt I thank that winter night for redefining me, and Command and Staff College for providing me the platform.
Next time we moved, I was
I had realized that no matter where one goes, people that one encounters are generally the same in that they all are faced with problems analogous to one's own. So as long as you to try to friendly and amiable, they would reciprocate the same and so as long as you remember that it is easier said than done to make good friends than to make enemies. Besides that , moving from one city to another and meeting people who are culturally and linguistically different has sculpted a true cosmopolitan me, teaching me how to survive in a multi-ethnic environment at the same time as getting along with them.
Looking down the memory lane, I am bewildered by the progressive last decade. And this progress, I owe to nothing but the eventful life I have had. Travelling that pervasively covered far and wide areas of Pakistan, getting a chance to understand people culturally alien to me became a catalyst hastening my transition to a gregarious life from an earlier hedonist approach that circumscribed it.
This is quite the interesting essay! In fact, its like nothing I have ever seen before.
But, I do have a few suggestions
In a macroscopic view of your essay, the thoughts are cohesive, however they don't allude to the future. When I read your essay I want to know what you can contribute to my college by shedding your knew skin. Your essay almost takes me there, but leaves me hanging. Go the extra length on that theme and I'm sure you will not be sorry.
Your first paragraph just barely addresses the prompt. If you could work it to fit your theme a bit more, with a much catchier hook then you would have a winner.
The second paragraph is ponderous and vague. What exactly are you trying to get at? Now, I know it has a-lot to do with your inability to make friends due to cultural rifts, but if you could clarify your diction make it more raw and basic in regards to you vocabulary, the paragraph would definitely stand out. In fact as a general observation on the whole essay, you tend to use an extremely highfalutin vocabulary which detracts from the human experience you are tying to portray and makes your essay sound too detached...like a psychology text.
A few syntactical errors:
Few hours continued and night was already on its edge.
A few hours later and night was already on slipping away.
Next time we moved, I was
I think this just may be a typo
