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I am shedding tears - UC Prompt #1 Essay


bumsengsj 1 / 2  
Nov 27, 2008   #1
UC prompt #1

I would really appreciate feedbacks!
For any of you who do provide feedbacks I will return the favor for you if you like!
Thank you!

:

I turned the knob but the house was deserted. The tranquility bewildered me for a second but I soon realized that my mom had left to Korea. I walked in and threw my backpack on my bed. I turned on the music on my computer and rested against my chair. Suddenly, a surge of loneliness swept up and I couldn't help my eyes getting watery.

It was a mystery. I thought I passed the stage of shedding tears. Six. That's the number of times I traveled on plane, oscillating between Korea and America. When I was 10, 12, and even 15, I never cried of loneliness. Why now?

Indeed, my mom's quick visit and departure shattered the barrier I had around me. Her warmth caught me off guard and her departure left me with a cold realization. The realization that her visit was the last of my childhood. But at the same time, I knew that it was really the time for me to seek my aspirations.

As of young, I've always been questioned of my identity. "Do you like Korea better or America better?" A question many adults asked me. Initially, I didn't know how to approach that question. But as my identity solidified, the answer came to me in the form of an aspiration, a goal. I increasingly sought myself as a representative. When I was in Korea, I was a representative of America; and, when I was in America, I represented Korea. Because of this versatility of my identity, I became very active and attached to the Korean club in my high school years. Because I was a representative, I had to do well and I had to look out for my fellow Koreans. However that is not to say that I isolated myself from other cultures; instead, I tried to understand them as much as I could. This attitude of mine transformed into an aspiration to further proliferate my culture and my identity and also to absorb other's as well.

To fulfill my aspiration, I sought out for a goal, and that was to work in an intergovernmental organization such as the World Trade Organization. I am no longer lonely as I filled in those vacancies with my passion and dream. The support I received from my parents, the resilience and independence I learned from studying abroad, and the attitude I acquired will aid me achieve my goal.

NOkiaT 4 / 6  
Nov 28, 2008   #2
Pretty interesting example, I think it answers the first prompt well.
A slight grammar issue, but overall It was good
OP bumsengsj 1 / 2  
Nov 28, 2008   #3
Thank you for your reply ^^!

Any other inputs please?
saviorknights 1 / 5  
Nov 28, 2008   #4
Hello there!
Let's start with basic stuff.
that my mom had left to Korea -> for Korea

for fluidity:
I sought out for a goal, and that was to work -> which

Now for the main part... It's a bit random, because I'm too lazy to organize it:
Vary your sentence structure, especially what you begin with. For example, at the beginning, you say "I turned..." then "I walked..." then "I turned..." again.

You can condense your first paragraph into one or two really nice, long, complex sentence instead of 4 or 5 short, simple ones. Make sure every sentence really says something important; do we, or admissions officers, really need to know that you threw your backpack on your bed? If it's significant somehow, tell us WHY or HOW. You could argue that it's a detail that helps set the scene or something, but I wouldn't take my chances. You can't explain it to an admission officer when he/she reads your personal statement, so just show it in your essay.

Your second paragraph is very choppy. Short, terse sentences or phrases are usually meant to emphasize a whirring blend of events, something meant to pass by fast; for example, an action scene with people running around and screaming, glass breaking, bullets flying, etc. You also do not tell me why you have shed tears because of traveling between America and Korea. Was it because you felt like you had leave behind and entire life that you spend years building? Was it because you just hated flying? Tell me. And whoa, where did loneliness come from? How did you ever feel lonely, weren't your parents with you? No, on second thought, don't tell me, just put it in your essay. However, I DO like how you posed something seemingly random, "It was a mystery," and then you answered it with the question at the end, "Why now?".

Oh, what barrier was that? Ah, I like how you contrasted warmth and cold, but how did you feel more warmth in the first place? Oh gosh, please combine the sentences with "realization" somehow. Personally, I think a colon would work brilliantly here, because you can just put "realization," colon, then define that realization. Whoa whoa hold up, how did your mom's visit make you realize that you didn't have a childhood anymore? I was under the impression that "quick visit" meant that she lived somewhere else and was only here briefly, so why didn't you feel that your childhood was over before her visit? And how did losing your childhood make you realize that you need to find your own dreams?

"As of young"? Hmm, interesting word choice. "I've always been questioned of my identity" is awkward and in the passive voice. Why did you choose this structure instead of "My identity has always been questioned"? Oooh, it'd be great if you could integrate that question into a sentence, not necessarily in the middle but maybe with a comma, colon, semi-colon, a phrase leading into it, etc? "A question many adults asked me" is a bit excessive. We already know people have asked you the question, and I don't think the specification on adults is really important.

Check your grammar in this sentence: "I am no longer lonely as I filled in those vacancies with my passion and dream." How did you get resilience from studying abroad?

Overall, I get what you're trying to say, which is really good. You do need to combine sentences though, because short, redundant sentences imply a non-proficient writer (especially in the "As of young" paragraph). I suggest reading your essay out loud to see if you sound good, or to a few relatives (who are fluent in English!) besides your parents/siblings to see if they think this accurately describes you.

Do realize that writing about immigration to/from America is a very, very popular topic, and that you should have something in it that makes you stand out from all the other immigration essays.

There, that's my two cents.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 28, 2008   #5
How about adding a strong intro sentence that tells the reader the THEME of what you are about to write? It seems that your theme involves coming to know yourself through knowing nations. You seek to understand the world, so that you can understand yourself.

Also, fix this:
As of young, I've always been questioned of my identity. Try this: Even at a young age, I often questioned my identity...


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