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'some advise for my future or influence' - Common App: Influence

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Dec 27, 2011   #1
Hi! Can someone please revise or give me advise on my essay? Thank you.
Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

I gazed upon the auditorium as it was glamorized with ornate attire and filled with celebratory cheers. I walked down the aisle of applause in my cousin's old rugged black suit and approached the stand. I looked upon the principal's blue dazed eyes as she handed me a golden piece imprinted with my perfect 4.0 GPA. Although just a six grader, I knew that I did not belong there. Fortunately, my parents transfigured me into the person that stood there.

My mother consistently preached to never conform myself to mediocrity and to always be occupied. During the summer as kids plunged themselves down a silver slide and swayed themselves on their swings, I was with her, working as the assistant housekeeper. We scurried through the town to reach the bus, normally arriving at seven. As we arrived, my mother commanded me to read for an hour, and to then help her clean. The process was repeated every weekday during the summer. I had been frustrated with what my mother made me do, but now I am grateful that my mother gave me sense of the world in my youth. This sense of always being occupied and rejecting mediocrity established me as a diligent boy.

Fortunately, my father provided me with an incentive to be educated, supplementing my mother's trait. He finally agreed to take me to work! As the alarm set off, I buckled my shoes, threw on a shirt, and ran towards the GMC truck. I was to embark on a voyage to the city of Long Beach. Once there, I jumped off the car and with a simple command, I was sent to work. After grueling over an hour of "intense" labor I went to rest. My father sat next to me advising me to seek another profession, since I was an unfit laborer. Then I saw his eyes bleed a salt clear liquid, as he said that I should succeed in school so that I do not fall into his position. He pleaded for forgiveness, since he provided me an unfit lifestyle. I broke in tears and told him he had provided me with a great life, and that him believing in me was more than enough.

Equipped with my parent's traits I acknowledged my goal, which was succeeding in life. My aspirations exceeded from doing well in school, but to prove to the world of what I am capable of. I pile myself in sheets of work, so that one day, I may position myself in a high profession. I do not seek a high position for the amount of currency it brings, but to show my parents that they constructed an intelligent individual. I owe it to my parents for making me into this intellectual, because without them I would be disposed to a life of idiocy and contempt.

As I grabbed the award I ran towards my parents and thanked them for helping me obtain it, since they were the ones that had directed me into its direction, they were the reason form my success.

I wanted to show how each time I went to work with one of my parents I got some advise for my future or influence. Also does this work well with the prompt or not.
julia22rose 1 / 3  
Dec 27, 2011   #2
I think that at the end you should tie your parents influence in with a more current award or accomplishment. rendering it a bit more current will help you a lot.

the idea is wonderful, I love that you show each side and how your father even says that you won't be a laborer...
I think that saying "idiocy and contempt" is a little harsh but I don't know your backstory.
your mother paragraph is particularly strong. I would work more on the father one, your voice doesn't shine through quite as much.

could you help on either of mine?

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