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I always had an affinity for animals, and I was often called the animal/pet whisperer by my parents



aj97 2 / 3  
Nov 9, 2014   #1
This is the prompt: Tell us why you decided to apply to the University of Wisconsin-Madison. In addition, share with us the academic, extracurricular, or research opportunities you would take advantage of as a student. If applicable, provide details of any circumstance that could have had an impact on your academic performance and/or extracurricular involvement.

I'm not really sure if I've gone about this the right way, so any help would be greatly appreciated!

Growing up as a child I always had an affinity for animals, and I was often called the animal/pet whisperer by my parents. There was always that basic question asked while I was in elementary school, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", and I always responded by saying a Veterinarian. It seems cliche in some way, but that same response comes to mind when asked the same thing now a days. As I began to learn and advance in my education I established an understanding on what exactly my future goal was in life. I had been told most kids my age were not even sure if they would graduate high school, let alone go to college!

During my Sophomore and Junior year of high school, my mother had Stage 3 Colon Cancer. Periodically, she went to the UW hospital to receive chemotherapy and radiation. I accompanied her on those trips, and while going through the city of Madison I would always, and still do, admire the beautiful academic buildings that make up the city itself. Along with the diverse group of students that are seen laughing together in groups, running down the sidewalks trying to get to their next class, or even the group of student cyclists speeding down the busy streets. The student life is the key to Madisons' attractiveness to the outside world, and my mind and heart have been ensnared by it's diversity.

In order to acquire my ultimate goal, which is to be accepted into Madison's School of Veterinary Medicine, I would take advantage of the biology, chemistry and physics classes that are offered in order to obtain a major in Animal Science or Zoology. I have already taken the recommended courses to help prepare myself for the future, and I have also interviewed and secured an internship at our local veterinarian clinic. I am prepared for my future and have taken things into my own hands to make sure it transpires.

I am enthralled with UW-Madison and have not let my personal life hinder my future. I crave to be that student running down the sidewalk in the middle of a snowstorm worried about being late to class. I crave to be a part of the group of friends laughing about how we all failed that Chemistry test. I crave to feel like I am one with the city itself and I know, without a doubt, that I belong at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

sage0497 1 / 1  
Nov 9, 2014   #2
I would avoid cliches such as "Growing up as a child..." Maybe take out that whole first sentence and just start it off with "There was always that basic question..." "Now a days" is also an overused cliche. I've also learned that using exclamation points in a formal essay is frowned upon. And maybe you shouldn't put it in the reader's mind that you have images of failing a chemistry test. There's only a few things I would fix, but otherwise it's a very nice essay!
vangiespen - / 4077  
Nov 9, 2014   #3
During my Sophomore and Junior year of high school, my mother had Stage 3 Colon Cancer. Periodically, she went to the UW hospital to receive chemotherapy and radiation. I accompanied her on those trips, and while going through the city of Madison I would always, and still do, admire the beautiful academic buildings that make up the city itself. Along with the diverse group of students that are seen laughing together in groups, running down the sidewalks trying to get to their next class, or even the group of student cyclists speeding down the busy streets. The student life is the key to Madisons' attractiveness to the outside world, and my mind and heart have been ensnared by it's diversity.
In order to acquire my ultimate goal, which is to be accepted into Madison's School of Veterinary Medicine, I would take advantage of the biology, chemistry and physics classes that are offered in order to obtain a major in Animal Science or Zoology.

- Amani, this should be your first paragraph because it represents the familiarity that you have with UW-Madison and immediately addresses the question of the prompt pertaining to what part of the academic and extra curricular offerings you will be taking advantage of. Once you have presented this, you can follow up the next paragraph with the following:

Growing up as a child I always had an affinity for animals, and I was often called the animal/pet whisperer by my parents. There was always that basic question asked while I was in elementary school, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", and I always responded by saying a Veterinarian. It seems cliche in some way, but that same response comes to mind when asked the same thing now a days. As I began to learn and advance in my education I established an understanding on what exactly my future goal was in life. I had been told most kids my age were not even sure if they would graduate high school, let alone go to college!

Then you can close the essay quite strongly with the following paragraph:

I have already taken the recommended courses to help prepare myself for the future, and I have also interviewed and secured an internship at our local veterinarian clinic. I am prepared for my future and have taken things into my own hands to make sure it transpires.
I am enthralled with UW-Madison and have not let my personal life hinder my future. I crave to be that student running down the sidewalk in the middle of a snowstorm worried about being late to class. I crave to be a part of the group of friends laughing about how we all failed that Chemistry test. I crave to feel like I am one with the city itself and I know, without a doubt, that I belong at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

This is a very strong essay that offers a concise answer to the prompt. You just need to make a few adjustments in order to make it flow better :-) I hope my suggestions help.


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