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Animal experiments are ruthless but necessary. Should animals be used in research? IELTS Writing T2

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Nov 15, 2016   #1
Hello, everyone! I'm new here and this my IELTS writing. The question is: I don't know which level is mine. Can someone tell me which grade this writing will get? I'd appreciate any feedback.

Research is the fundamental building block for/of science, it is based on a lot of experiments, but some people think that some experiments using animals are very cruel and inhumane, and there is no justification for treating the animals this way. However, it is generally believed that doing the experiments can provide precious information and knowledge about biology, and the progress of science would/might be slower without experiments on live animals.

There are groups of people who believe using animals in experiments greatly increases the quality of experiments. For example, it is impossible to use the living human body in the experiments in the first round, because of unknown risks, so alternatively we use living animals. Furthermore, if humans hadn't sacrificed some animals for scientific research, human society would hardly have reached its existing height.

On the other hand, many people consider animal experiments to be extremely cruelty things, just liking people used to torture criminals, it is wrong and should be banned. In their opinions, animals are like human, so they have the same right as the human. And if there is no one to stand up and fight for the rights of animals for which are no ability to voice, then animals will not be treated fairly. That's why the Animal Protection Association(APA) always protest on streets.

From above, although animal experiments are ruthless and bloody in some ways, it is necessary but it is still the necessary evil. There is no development without sacrifice: rapid industrialization scarifies nature environment, highly urbanization scarifies air quality. In my opinion, humanity should keep doing animal experiments but need to distinguish between the slaughter and the real experiments, decreasing the unnecessary death.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Nov 15, 2016   #2
Hi Chen,
I can see that you have gotten a comprehensive feedback from one of the members in EF. I am sure that the feedback will be helpful towards you future practices later on. However, I would like to add some other suggestions in order to strengthen your writing skill.

First of all, I think that it is better for you to separate each paragraph by giving at least a single space between paragraphs. This might also ease the reader or examiner to assess your writing. Remember, using sufficient paragraphs development is essential to improve your score.

Then, avoid writing contractions like "hadn't and that's why", instead you can just write it in full form. Writing like this would make the essay become less-formal. In addition, try not to put For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So in the beginning of the paragraph. It will also one of the causes that can reduce the quality of the essay or the score itself. Those are categorized as connectors and not cohesive devices.

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