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That afternoon watching CNN caught me in the post 9/11 fears

pacers7ind 11 / 25 2  
Dec 8, 2009   #1
Essay Option 1.How did you get caught? (Or not caught, as the case may be.)
Inspired by Kelly Kennedy, a fourth-year in the College.

I feel as if I'm not answering it correctly.
maybe I should move the
"That afternoon watching CNN caught me in the post 9/11 fears" towards the end.

Criticize, make fun of it, edit, laugh at it , kill it

Any comments are greatly appreciated.

During my sixth grade year, I heard so much about the post 9/11 "terror threats". At the time, I never expressed a keen interest in constantly watching the news, however, I had a longing desire to find out what was going on in the world. One afternoon, my televisions set was tuned to CNN, so I decided to take some time to hear about this "terror threat". To my surprise, I sat in front of my television set more than I intended to. All the killings, bombings, and dangers had me in a state of fear. That afternoon watching CNN caught me in the post 9/11 fears.

I soon found myself dramatically impacted by these fears. I would refuse to get on an airplane, I was wary of going inside a sky scrapper and at one point I even had the fear of going on public transportation. As the days went by, I actively watched the news and kept up with current events. The fears grew and the media intensified them. Although exposed to politics at a young age, I would not listen to both sides of an argument. I would believe anything I would hear. The massive wave of patriotism that followed the post 9/11 era gave me a mentality that America was the greatest country on earth. I worried for my country's security and I began to suspect everything as being threat to America. However, I saw a news story about a Muslim family being suspected terrorist based on their ethnicity, and then I realized the post 9/11 hysteria might not be what it seems. At that point I quickly realized that I failed to recognize that the wave of patriotism made the United States denounce anything foreign. I had a Muslim friend who would, be called "terrorist" by the children in school and even thought it first started as a joke, the name soon stuck with him. I saw how he disliked the name and it made me wonder if Muslim American are being treated worst than name calling. I began to see the world in a new light, with discrimination, and wars.

Being caught by the 9/11 fears brought me closer to the real world, I recognized that at times the Even thought I left my fears, they have made me who I am today. I now constantly keep up with current events but now analyze the situation instead of being drawn by fear. My exposure to the law and politics of the perceived post 9/11 era at a young age, allowed me developed a deep passion for politics. I have learned that there are multiple opinions and viewpoints about a subject contrary to my own. Today I am still patriotic, however I look abroad to improve the world rather than to think the US as the greatest country.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Dec 8, 2009   #2
I became very patriotic and fearful

^How is that possible exactly?

Your essay has a number of very obvious word and grammatical essays. Did you not revise it before you posted it here?
I personally felt the content was lacking personal description, narrative and/or imagery. It is really bland and insipid, with no real life to it; the essay fails to convey you effectively.

It was not that much of an interesting read either, and I would blame your writing style to be honest.
It was fairly obvious as to which direction your essay was heading in the first few paragraphs, so there was no real excitement or interest in reading your essay. These are things you need to consider, because UChicago wants to read gripping essays, and yours, in my opinion, fails to do this.

There is no right or wrong answer to a UChicago essay generally, so if this is your way of getting caught, that is fine. However, I do strongly suggest improving your narrative or writing style to make this essay want your readers to continue reading on, rather than get bored after the first few sentences.
OP pacers7ind 11 / 25 2  
Dec 8, 2009   #3
Its my first draft, I did it in an hour lol
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Dec 8, 2009   #4
This is a UChicago essay. 1 hour? Lol?

Its time to get serious Edgar.
Why would you post an essay that you did not even put maximum effort into writing?
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Dec 8, 2009   #5
repost of your previous one. EF_Team will clean this up i think..

why "terror threats" and why is this your first line? however it separated by a semi-colon before it.
weak transition from intro to body. that last sentence from intro can be combined with previous sentence.

scraper please. we don't scrap the sky. it'd fall down. post 9/11 era seems too strong. talk more about you. how did this caught affect YOU.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 9, 2009   #6
It will be more impressive if you name the events that you saw on TV that day, and then you can supplement it by reading some articles about the events. Be super impressive.

One afternoon, my television set was...

or even...

One afternoon, my television set was tuned...

...being suspected terrorism based on their...

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