Anime (My essay to u-m)

I'm a Chinese in China all my life.It's my first time to write such a long enlish composition,so it may have many mistakes.I need your help~Please!You can put any advice~~

U-M's question:Please describe your interests and aspirations
in engineering. What experiences have influenced you?

I can't do my favorite thing.

When I was 13 years old, a 3D CG anime movie called Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children took me to a wonderful world which I have loved for 5 years without regret. Maybe you think it's so childish, but anime is not that imaginary form in most people's impression. It's really amazing!

Last May Day, I joined the 5th China International Cartoon & Animation Festival in Hangzhou, China. It's the grandest celebration I have ever attended. I really enjoyed it. And it also gave me much influence.

In the exhibition center, I attended almost all activities. For instance, taste a PS3 game, a signing promotion of a famous Japanese artist--Yoshitaka Amano. There was an interesting event extra attracted me: computer graphics improvisation competition.

But I couldn't attend that competition because I even have never touched the graphic plotter. The course in Chinese junior high school and high school is too strenuous to have a deeply study in any other area.

The computer graphics design has drawn in me by a vivid girl in a CG picture on a web page since I was a junior high school student. It actually shocked me at the moment I saw her. Visual impact can move people in the most direct way. Since that time, to be a world's top CG designer has been my ultimate goal.

This dream has in my mind for so long. I almost can't wait for learning computer graphic in University of Michigan.

I think the happiest thing is just see the lovely work after effort. And the fruit may be seen by countless people, bring them happiness or moving. It's also a kind of blessedness. Though my determination of go in for animation is much earlier, that activity let me more adamant.

It require 250 words but I have 300.Do you think anywhere need cut?

Another university I want to apply is UIUC,its have a similar question:

In an essay of 300 words or less, please discuss your academic interests and/or professional goals.

Can I use a same essay?I will change the place where appears university's name.

Your grammar is rough, and needs polishing. I'll leave that for the members who enjoy that sort of thing. Content-wise, you need to focus more on what you want to accomplish as a CG designer, what makes you think you'll be good at the job, etc. That you are an enthusiastic anime fan. while interesting, is not a strong enough qualification to hang an application essay on.

I love your first line. But:


If that's true, then you must have done some things that demonstrate that interest or work toward that goal. Include those things in the essay.

Yes, the same essay will work.

It is standard in English to spell out abbreviations the first time you use them. For example, CG should be written as computer generated the first time.

I feel your excitement for the subject in this essay, but Simone and Sean are right when they say that you need to write MORE about your qualifications. Do you spend your free time drawing anime? Do you use the Internet to teach yourself all you can about the genre? Do you surround yourself with friends who have the same interests? Do you check out books on anime from the library? You need to make the leap from anime FAN to anime CREATOR.


Do you mean that you CAN do your favorite thing? Or that you can't do your favorite thing right now while you are still a high-school student in China because of the demands of Chinese school?


I am not sure what you are trying to say here. Did you fall in love with an animated girl on the Internet when you were in junior high school? Do you participate in an online community dedicated to anime?

Thank you so much!!!This one I changed a lot.Please help~~~

When I was 13 years old, a three-dimensional computer generated anime movie called Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children took me to a wonderful world which I have loved for 5 years without regret. Maybe you think it's so childish, but anime is not that imaginary form in most people's impression. It's really amazing!

Last May Day, I joined the 5th China International Cartoon & Animation Festival in Hangzhou, China with my friend Rong. In the exhibition center, we attended almost all activities. For instance, John Howe's lecture and a CG improvisation competition.

The enjoyable celebration took me back to the days I crazy for anime. At a weekend in summer 2005, I checked out more than 10 books on CG anime form library. With a passionate heart I began to read. But after two books I found only reading was far from being a good CG designer; at first and lest, I should be a painter. So I began to study sketch at a studio after school. I have been there for about 3 years. Mr. Wu and Mr. Sheng teached me a lot, not only painting techniques but a serious attitude. Not enough being an old hand in painting, but I'm not a novice any more.

Rong, who is my friend since elementary school, also has a same dream as mine. We usually search everything about CG at Internet and dream to take an Oscar with our animation work like Hayao Miyazaki.

Though my determination of go in for animation is much earlier, this festival let me more adamant. With the greatest ting in the world-love in my interesting and dream, I think I have enough motivation to be good at the subject.

Grammar needs serious revision. Try talking to one of your teachers to see if you can two can revise it to form a more grammatically concise essay.

You have one sentence paragraphs... Why?

Oh~In the second one I have changed that one sentence paragraph.

Your essay has a lot of basic grammar and spelling mistakes.
It makes understanding certain parts of your essay quite difficult.
Your thoughts do not appear to be well expressed in this essay either.

Ok...I will perfect it.Thanks!

P.S.

I've always been a Cloud fan myself

hohohoho~I've been a Sephiroth fan all the time.

I think that the general content of your essay has answered the question well but you may want to consider being more concise in expressing yourself. Also, i think that the paragraphing can be improved.

All the best in your applications!

Do you mean "tried a PS3 game"? and "it influenced me a lot".
The thing is that you are chinese and as many errors as your paper may have, the admission officer will still know that you are still learning english so I dont thing he will judge it based on writing errors. But just try to make it flow better.

"It gave me much influence" is still understandable but "taste a PS3 game" makes no sense.

So, I hope you get into U of M!

I write a new one, entirely different.May be it will be better.

I always been a person don't want to be outdone, but something always go athwart with me. Whatever I do, there are always other child get ahead of me. What is worse, I even used to make excuse to pretend myself in no qualm. That really made me could kick myself.

I chose to practice the taekwondo in the summer holiday after I graduated from the junior middle school. Taekwondo is a sport of endurance testing and will-power building. It brings what I needed - the perseverance.

I didn't take it seriously at the first two days, because we only learned easy etiquette and preparing style. From the third day on, however, it became hard when Coach King began to teach us Taegeuk 2 Jang. Coach King taught in details, and required us to follow every step he did. It was at that time that I had a profound understanding of what is easier said than done. "...Left hand does lower section block. Then, forward step and straight box..." In the front, Couch King taught clearly and logically, and in the rear, students did farcically and awkwardly, but everybody dare not laugh because Couch King has such a short temper that he often sternly scolded those who made wrong movements. I was once scolded, too: "What were you thinking? Who taught you this stupid position? Er?" Then he helped me to put my hands in the correct way, which made me broke into a cold sweat. I was put into a mess from that time. The course went on before I could swallowed what had been taught, but what's more, there was a new intense physical training later: in-situ rapidly turn 15 laps and then sprint forward. As a result, I clashed into the middle pillar for twice. I could even saw stars. It was merely the Hell to me. I could not stand it any more. I did not want to continue it even one minute!

When I stepped downstairs after the training, I saw a billboard of Spirits of Taekwondo. It reads: The Spirits of Taekwondo is to know the etiquette and sense of shame, to be patient, self-control and indomitable. I suddenly cleared about something...

The fourth day, I practiced hard in and out of class. Eventually I could exercise the Taeguk 2 Jang in a perfect way!

I learned, from the experience of practicing Taekwondo, that I could be an adamancy and indomitable person. No matter how hard the training is; no matter how strict Coach King is; no matter how derisible my practice movements are, I will press on; get rid of that cowardly, indecisive past, to be myself.

I also realize, now, that it doesn't matter how difficult the future will be; the only important thing is that I ought to carry on making my dream come true. As long as there is a dream, I will march forward without hesitation. I will go for Computer Science in the University of Michigan to come true my dream - to be a wonderful Computer Graphic designer and to bring movement to people with CG animation.