'the annual Popular Book Fest' - extracurricular activities or work experience

Hi Guys could you all help me critic this essay pls? Thanks so much! Any feedback is welcomed! =) I'm an international student btw, if it makes a difference

For the past 2 years, I have worked at the annual Popular Book Fest during my school vacation. I took up the job as a supplement to my family's income and to help pay for a music trip to Japan. The job was what I had expected - the pay was low, I had to work 12 hour shifts and carry heavy loads of books. The job was certainly not helping my academics and I was embarrassed when my schoolmates saw me. However, the job soon opened me to a whole new world. I met many teenagers who were struggling to keep up in school; others had dropped out of school and were worried for their future. Coming from a prestigious school, I rarely met teenagers like them. My encounter made me see the many problems in my society and motivated me to help the less fortunate. When I took the job I only wanted to earn some additional income. But I am so grateful that the job has made me stronger and given me the chance to develop relationships with people whom I would not otherwise have the opportunity to meet.

Hey guys it's me again. I really enjoyed my experience in my sch band as well and could not decide if I should write abt this or my work experience. Pls help me see if this is a better essay to send than the first one. Thank you all so much!

I decided to take up music in high school and joined my school's Symphonic Band. In 2009, my school's Symphonic Band participated in the biennial Singapore Youth Festival. It is a prestigious competition for the performing arts groups in Singapore. Training started a year earlier and it was rigorous. Weekends were usually spent practicing. As I did not have any prior experience in music, I soon felt frustrated with my performance. I even contemplated quitting. However, I strived to stay positive. I practiced diligently and refused to let negative thoughts affect me. My conductor saw my perseverance and appointed me as the saxophone section leader. Eventually, although my school's band only managed to clinch a silver award, I felt proud of my performance. I had become a more determined and diligent person. I learnt to be a leader and I developed close friendships with my fellow band mates. Although we did not achieve the gold award, we had given our best and that was what truly mattered.

I strongly suggest you choose the second essay you have written about your experiences in the band...it' clear that you had much more fun in the band and i also feel as though you learned more from your involvement with it that you did from your job...GREAT JOB WITH THE SECOND ESSAY...

PLEASE CHECK OUT MY COMMONAPP ESSAY...

Thanks maroon5! Are there any grammatical errors? I always seem to have some problems with grammar lol. I'll definitely check out your essay!

there aren't any grammatical errors....however u could introduce a bit more complexity into your sentence structures at the beginning of the essay....you have used too many short sentences and it seems a bit monotonous...that's all...GOOD LUCK AND THANKS FOR YOUR HELP WITH MY ESSAY

oh yeah thanks i didn't realize that! Shall work on that. Now that I read it again it does seem very monotonous!