'The annual race hit' - Common app # 2 failure : 'topic and content' too cliche?

Please check for any room of improvement in grammar and sentence structure. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks ! :)

I inhaled a bit through my nose, catching a whiff of sweat as it travels with the breeze. Glancing at the white rope held ahead, I exhaled. 'I will get there first or die trying' I chanted inside my head.

'Is he going to cough his way to the finish line again? How pathetic!' whispered one of my teammates, peeking at me with unease. Slightly annoyed, I wanted to erupt at that moment but I knew I must live with my quiet rage. Ignoring my shaking legs, I bent my knees, head to the ground. Suddenly, there was only dead silence. I was left with a ruthless void of fifty yards, waiting.

It all began with the dreams of becoming a champion sprinter. While most of my classmates spent their summers on vacation or played video games on demand, I had other aspirations. Despite the asthma attacks I often had, I could never let go of my love for the sport of track and field. With the same enthusiasm every morning, I put on my boots, filled my old Pepsi bottle with water, checked my wrist watch and left my house. While my friends had a good two hours in bed till their alarm cried out, I would roam around the empty streets, with the will to grow better. I wanted to become the best athlete that I could be, even though, with years of erratic practice, my coaches all said 'I would never become more than an ''okay'' athlete'. No matter how desperately I tried to hide or control my flaw, my frantic nature of breathing made me a horrible choice to consider for starting position.

The annual race hit: this time I had to triumph over asthma for good. Proving my worth was a challenge, I wasn't going to let some disease be an irritating reminder of my imperfection. The whistle blew. I felt a sudden biff in my heart. I clutched my chest and stretched out to the rope with tears spilling down my cheeks. Soon I realized I had won 2nd place, falling one step short.

Staring in the bathroom mirror, I forced myself to look into my own reflection. I only wanted to give myself some good advice. As teardrops fell with every blink, I felt a bit ridiculous. But there was no one else to listen to my weeps.

"Why are you letting this get to your head so much?" I asked the sad teenager in front of me. "Shouldn't you be moving on?''

A week later at school, coaches were praising my performance, the same coaches to whom I was an 'okay' athlete, all these years. At first, it seemed as though nothing had changed. But then, for the first time, I started to wonder, why I had been so adamant to win the annual race. When I looked back, I realized, I felt vulnerable all my childhood. Deeming asthma as a curse, I sought of ways to feel superior to it. Fearing the world would recognize me with only pity. But then, not coming in the first place was probably what I needed to repel these thoughts. Maybe it was the excitement of proving them wrong or the intensity of rising above fear that dulled my senses. Somehow, I'd lost sight of my most valuable asset: my true self. The moment I crossed the rope, I unconsciously broke the shackle of anxiety that I clung onto for so long. This instant serves as an aching reminder of my past and an inspiration to continue excelling, even when adverse conditions dominate.

Tomorrow, I will put on my team jacket with just as much dignity as any other accomplished athlete in the world. I take an earnest stance in my life and no one will define who I am. I now fear no void because I know my soul's worth.

At first I thought you only wanted to challenge yourself, so when I read you were second place, I was about to ask you about why you had chosen failure. I think that you should make clear that you wanted to be first place and your reasons for it, instead of later. I don't think is cliché at all, I don't think there are many track and field athletes with asthma. Another thing is that you began decribing a scene, and interrupt it, and then suddenly you're back to the rope. It is not clear if it is the continuation of the starting scene. It also has few errors:


maybe this is correct, but I think it sounds better "one of my teammates whispered"


same with here, "as he peeked at me..."


If you were only slightly annoyed, how did you want to erupt?


Shaky legs


Sorry, I didn't get this, but maybe it's because I'm not a native english speaker


I think you can work with this two sentences so you can say something like, there was only the void, you, and dead silence.


had some good two hours, or had a good pair of hours


If your quoting your coaches, you have to remove the apostrophes or change the I by you.


The frantic nature of my breathing


I would delete the "to consider"


maybe a ; is better?


This is probably the only cliché thing on it, but if you actually talked to your reflection, then I guess it's okay.


for whom?


remove the comma and is why had I been


I had felt


That I have been clunging


I will take
Good luck!

Thanks a lot for all those corrections .. I assume it took a lot of time of your time but that was really helpful. I deliberately interrupted the scene to make it a bit different , I guess ! Do you think it doesn't flow ? Should I add the first and third para ??

Thanks again :)

No problem! Interrupting the scene is a good idea, but you need to make it work. I believe the third paragraph has to bring you back to it (if it is the same occasion) instead of continuing the narration of paragraph two.