Please help with my Whitman college essay, plan on turning it in 2 days from now.
please be honest and thanks in advance
Choose a facet of your current community that inspires you. How will you bring this sense of inspiration to life as you transition to your new Whitman community? (word limit 500)
"NÇ hÇo" "annyeonghaseyo" "Kon'nichiwa" "Salam wa aleikum" "sat sri akal." As I walk through the doors of the cafeteria at Highline Community College, the sound of diversity echo's in my ears, and the voice of the students becomes my classical tune. I am astonished at how every word spoken on our campus, represent our uniqueness and difference. When I turn to my left, I hear the musical tone of East Asia, to my right the sounds of the Middle East, and all around me; I see the world cultures comes to life. To study in an environment where every single individual identify as a student of color is a blessing. Environment like these teaches the tenet of diversity and celebrates difference that can't be learned in books, but only through personal experience. As an African refugee, I have traveled to many different countries, and each country unique features makes up who I am. Studying at Highline community college really brings those features alive, because our institution is a global melting pot, and the students understand and takes great pride in our eclecticism. With my background and knowledge about diversity, I believe I can carry on my experience to Whitman, were I can grow and strive as a strong African woman. I know that Whitman College is the ideal institution, where I can flourish as a student and an individual who represents the world's culture.
When researching Whitman College, I realized your institution values diversity, to enrich the community and enhance intellectual and personal growth. As a student of color, I want to indulge myself in a community that values individual difference, as well as practice global citizenship. As I transition to Whitman college, I will bring alone with me the values and knowledge of Highline Community College and the programs we have at our intuition that focuses on diversity. I will start a Global awareness club to help increase awareness concerning the economic-development of Women and children in developing countries. Additional, as a student, I would start a lets eradicate poverty program that will directly link Whitman college students, with women and children in developing nation to help underline the causes of poverty. It would provide students with the opportunity to see pass the community, and think on a global skill. This would combine my career interest in economics and International Relations, to strive for the economic-empowerment of women in Africa and hope to eradicate the injustice these women face. I hope to be a voice for these women, and Whitman would help enhance my global perspective and provide me with confidence I need in order to succeed. Its summer study abroad program in Cambodia will allow me to compare women's economic-developments in Southeast Asia and Africa. Whitman's curriculum will challenge my capacities to critically think about the world around me. Its rigorous courses will equipment me with a future career in the global world. Furthermore, its strong commitment to the principle of nondiscrimination, tells me that it is an institution that is dedicated to educating its students on issues of diversity.
To have the opportunity to be part of such a prestigious environment and be a member of a strong supportive community would be a blessing. Being a member of Whitman community will help me achieve my academic and career goals, as well as supply the tools necessary for me to succeed.
I see themany world cultures comescoming to life.
Environment like these teaches the tenet of diversity and celebrates difference that can't be learned in books, but only through personal experience.
This sentence has a few issues; Clarity is not there... I think it has some grammar errors too.... I cannot grasp your idea correctly.... I think you better re-phrase this line
and each country unique features makes up who I am.
and the unique features of each country influenced me to be who I am now.With my background and knowledge about diversity, I believe I can carry on my experience to Whitman, were I can grow and strive as a strong African woman.
With my exposure of cultural diversity, I believe I can add more to Whitman's vibrant community where I can grow and strive as a strong African woman.... will start a Global awareness club to help increase awareness concerning the economic-development of Women and children in (a) developing countries.
Being a member of Whitman community will help me achieve my academic and career goals, as well as supply the tools necessary for me to succeed. (The adjective "necessary" is describing the verb "supply". Consider changing the adjective to an adverb. )
As an African refugee, I have traveled to many different countries, and each country unique features makes up who I am. (The present tense verb which ends with an "s", "makes" does not agree with the subject, "each country unique features". Consider changing your subject to the singular (or uncountable), or writing your verb in third person plural "they )
Its summer study abroad program in Cambodia will allow me to compare women's economic-developments in Southeast Asia and Africa. Whitman's curriculum will challenge my capacities to critically think about the world around me. (The infinitive verb "to " has been split by the modifier "critically". Please ensure the split infinitive does not confuse the meaning or flow of your sentence.)
It would provide students with the opportunity to see pass the community, and think on a global skill (The verb "pass" is being used as an adjective in this sentence. Consider changing the verb to the past participle (often ending in "-ed").
Hi Annie, I'm applying as a community college transfer to Whitman as well! I would love to keep in touch and see if we both get in :)
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When I turn to my left, I hear the musical tone of East Asia, to my right the sounds of the Middle East, and all around me; I see the world cultures comes to life.
You probably shouldn't have a semi-colon there, it doesn't make sense!
Environments like these teaches the tenet of diversity and celebrates difference that can't be learned in books, but only through personal experience.
You definitely need to add an 's' to environment, or change some grammar in that sentence.
As I transition to Whitman college, I will bring alone with me the values and knowledge of Highline Community College and the programs we have at our intuition that focuses on diversity.
You don't need to say 'alone with me'.
Additionally , as a student, I would start a lets eradicate poverty program that will directly link Whitman college students, with women and children in developing nation to help underline the causes of poverty
Additionally instead of additional!
Its rigorous courses will equipment me with a future career in the global world.
Change equipment to equip in order to form a verb, rather than a noun!
Being a member of Whitman community will help me achieve my academic and career goals, as well as supply the tools necessary for me to succeed.
This sentence is a little weak because it's so broad. As a concluding sentence, you might want to write something stronger and more specific.
