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Purpose of App; Why I chose Penn State University


blue_palace 1 / 1  
Oct 24, 2007   #1
hi,
I live in Germany and go to university here and my university offers an exchange program for one semester with a US university. Now writing a personal statement/Purpose of Application/essay is something very unusual for a german student and above all I have a lot of other students competing with me for that spot. Now I kinda wrote a purpose of application thing but I am not so sure whether it's good or not. So if you could kindly go over it and maybe tell me whether I did it right or not, or if it tcould be improved it could help a lot to hear from someone who actually lives there and knows how it works. Also note English is not a language I speak in everyday life, it's just a second language I chose in school, so bear with me.

Sarah


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Why I chose Penn State University

I was not born in Germany but rather in Pakistan, yet I call Germany my home not because I have the urge to be modern or western but rather because of what Germany has given me and how it has shaped my personality, and yet I am proud of my heritage and consider the South asian region as one of the richest in culture and history.

I have seen people moan about not being treated fairly when it comes to promotion of education because they are not german, but I have experienced something completely different. Germany has given me a free environment and place where I could search for the knowledge I wanted and at the same time express my views on the things I disagreed on, which is a rare thing in this world. Another rare thing is to get an education while being the child of not wealthy or not educated parents, but who promote knowledge, tolerance, honesty, sincerity and many other things. Despite having a good life I have seen and heard that not everyone has these chances in life like I did, and it is a disappointing fact.

My world in the university consists of a lot more than what may be reflected in my grades, because not everyone with not good grades has to be disinterested in studies or his field. My interests go over a wide range. During the courses in the university I travel in the world of Adam Smith and contemplate about the free market economics, I discuss the philosophical aspect of human interests in Leviathan, I travel with marx but my journey does not end here it goes on when I ride a sad train with Anna karenina, fight alongside Napoleon and write down the family values described by Jane Austen or paint a picture with Oscar Wilde, I write letters with Hemmingway and many, many others. I am free to be with all of them and to build my opinion upon the knowledge that my country and my university offers me, but who thinks about the majority of the world for those who do not have this privilege and these opportunities? And certainly not a single person alone can change everything, we all have to get together to do it. This is also why I want to go to Pennsylvania State University, so I can get the best education in order to offer this world a piece of my knowledge and try make this world a better place for others. Eventually what remains in life is not the materialism you have in your bank account but rather what have you done for others.

Another reason why Pennsylvania State University appealed to me was because of a speech of the President Dr. Graham Spanier on the Penn State University, where he emphasised the importance of educating youth on the global economic revolution (1) and his promotion of education and his understanding of youth was just impressive and his views seemed appealing to me as I totally agreed with him and want to take a part in the direction of helping the less privileged in my life.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Oct 25, 2007   #2
Greetings!

I'm happy to help with some editing advice.

I was not born in Germany but rather in Pakistan, yet I call Germany my home--not because I have the urge to be modern or western, but rather because of what Germany has given me and how it has shaped my personality. Yet, I am proud of my heritage and consider the South asian region as one of the richest in culture and history.

because they are not German,

while being the child of parents who are not wealthy or educated,

because not everyone with not good grades has to be disinterested in studies or his field. - I would advise removing this phrase; it's a little unclear and perhaps a little negative.

I made several suggested changes here:
During my studies, I travel in the world of Adam Smith and contemplate free market economics; I discuss the philosophical aspect of human interests in Leviathan; I travel with Marx, but my journey does not end here. It goes on when I ride a sad train with Anna Karenina, fight alongside Napoleon, write down the family values described by Jane Austen, paint a picture with Oscar Wilde, or write letters with Hemingway.

but who thinks about the majority of the world for those who do not have this privilege and these opportunities? - This question does not really make sense to me, and rhetorical questions are generally not advisable in this type of writing.

a speech made by President Dr. Graham Spanier of Penn State University, where he emphasised the importance of educating youth on the global economic revolution (1). His promotion of education and his understanding of youth was quite impressive and his views appealed to me. [b]I agreed with him and want to direct my life toward helping the less privileged.

Good job! Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
OP blue_palace 1 / 1  
Oct 25, 2007   #3
Thanks, I have made the changes... thanks a lot for the help


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