An appeal letter for Business Management Admission !

This year I apply for the Singapore Management University with Business Management as my 1st choice and Information Systems as my 2nd choice.
I have been offer a place in the School of Information Systems but I wanted to appeal since I want to study Business much much more than IS

This is my draft one. I emphasize on my passion and my competence to pursue a degree in Business Management. However I found it not so convincing. I hope that you can help me correct, organize and contribute new ideas so that my appeal can be successful.

Every comment is appreciated.
Thank you!

Here is my draft :

Dear Admission Committee,
I am XXXX XXXX(application number XXXXXXXXXXX), 2009 bridging student. I am writing to you to appeal a re-consideration for my Business Management admission.

As I am informed, my Business Management admission has been unsuccessful due to the unsatisfactory interview results. However, I want to make an appeal since I believe I can perform better than I did on the interview day. Whenever I am not successful, I tell myself not to throw in the towel that easily but instead see it more of an obstacle that I had to face rather than to be defeated by it.

During the Bridging Course, I had no problem in communicating with others and my teaching consultants in English as well as Table Talk class told me that my writing and speaking skills were fine. Moreover, after receiving feedback, I have always been trying hard to perfect my skills, breeding the confidence within me to raise my voice and contribute more to class discussions. My instructor and also an academic writing teacher here at SMU, Prof. Mehdi Namazie once said: "You should have no problem in Business School". Despite the disadvantage of being not a native English speaker, on the SAT I was able to score 600 on Critical Reading and 710 on Writing - the prerequisite skills for tertiary education - which also reflects partly my capabilities. Having said all these, I am pretty confident that I am competent enough to pursue a degree in Business Management in SMU.

Apart from ability, it is the passion that matters. Just as what Dale Canergie said: "You will never achieve real success unless you love what you are doing", I strongly believe that as long as you do something passionately and whole-heartedly, you can give out your best, or even beyond your limit. Consequently and indubitably, dedication and good results will follow. My love for Business, especially in the field of Finance, has been long-standing since I was fifteen. It is my own belief that encouraged me to follow my dream, refusing to go to medical school as my parents had always wished. I took a risk: I left my current prestigious university in Vietnam and went to Singapore to take the bridging course. SMU is prominent for its business programs as well as its innovative, interactive and effective learning styles, which will enable me to take a firm foothold and embark on my future careers. All of these enhanced my determination to attend SMU Business School since I have always wanted to enrich my Business study experience. Honestly, in my perspective, studying business is more of an inborn interest so I want to study in the best way it can be taught. Thus, SMU Business School is the right choice, I reckon. The motivation behind all these things is my strong and long-lasting love for Business so I believe that with my eagerness I can even perform beyond my very best if I am given a chance to enter the School Of Business. I always motivate myself that despite the intimidating challenges that line up my path, I would never let myself give up easily the goals that matter most to me.

I would ask you to grant me the reconsideration for my Business Management admission. I appreciate the time you have taken to read my appeal and look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

XXXX XXXX

Have you consulted with an adviser at this school concerning the wisdom of writing such a letter? There's a fine line between persistence and impertinence; you wouldn't want to start your career there by crossing it. Nor do you want to give them the impression that you are so disinclined to study information systems that you will be a resentful and unmotivated student in that program. Has anybody in the administration given you the impression that a letter like this has any chance of success?

Thanks for your comment Simone.

I think I have to clarify this:

"Q. I have not been successful in my application for admission. Can I appeal to be reconsidered? I have been offered my second choice of degree programme. Can I appeal to be considered for my first choice?

If you have been offered admission to a degree programme and would like to appeal for a change of programme, you should accept the programme offered first while waiting for the outcome of your appeal. If you do not accept the offer of the programme within the stipulated deadline, your place will be assigned to others on the waiting list." ( FROM SMU ADMISSION WEBSITE 'S FAQ )

I have been offered a place in SIS and have accepted it. However, the adcom advised me to submit an appeal although the chance is very low (she stated that). I want to try anyway but what I am afraid is exactly what Simone said: "Nor do you want to give them the impression that you are so disinclined to study information systems that you will be a resentful and unmotivated student in that program".

Any possibility that the offer will be withdrawn due to this appeal ? Bear in mind that I have only accepted the offer but haven't matriculated yet. I think I focus so much on passion for Biz that the paragraph about that is kind of extreme.

Any suggestion to reduce the feeling of "extreme" when reading this essay ?

It sounds from their website as if simply putting in an appeal will not jeopardize your place in your second-choice program, so long as you have formally accepted that offer.

The problem that I see with the appeal as it is written is that you are guessing why they did not accept you into the business track and then pleading against what you suppose was the problem. This gives the whole letter a defensive tone. You assume that the problem in the interview was lack of English skills. What if it was that you appeared over-bearing or over-eager? Then, this letter would just solidify that impression. Is there any way, I wonder, to find out what the interviewer felt your weaknesses were?

Well, actually I had a very bad headache on the day of Business Management Interview so I kind of screwed it up. The Business Interview comprised of 3 parts : Reading Comprehension, Speaking in group of 8 and Writing an essay. Personally I find my essay ok but not so sure about the other twos, especially about the Reading COmprehension. At that moment my headache and sleepiness really killed me since I had been sleepless the night before.

I think there is no way to know what my weaknesses were on that day.

Thank you very much for pointing out your perspectives. It is really useful for me :)

Try rewriting your appeal letter using only 60% of the words you currently do, and eliminating every instance of the verb "to be," which includes "is," "are," "was," and "were."

While you're at it, get rid of anything that casts you in a negative light, or that references why SMU would be good for you. Your focus should be wholly on what a great, deserving candidate you are for the program.