Archery develops me both morally and spiritually; Common app - Extra curriculars

It was the last distance (30 m) to end tournament, the energy in me is fully drained. I stood 1st in the previous distances, but now I scored low in the first two rounds. String struck my arm repeatedly, my bow hand shivered and I missed an arrow. I feared of losing tournament. Each arrow the others shot stooped my confidence. I forgot the joy of shooting and put myself into a race. When I joined the archery club, I never hoped to play tournaments. I just came to learn how to shoot with my entire focussed mind. This time I felt uneasy while shooting arrows. With empty mind, I held my breath while drawing the bow, to feel the compression and relaxation of each muscle. My bow became a part of my body. I started to enjoy and feel the sound of each shot (Zupp!). From then, I competed with myself. I started improving my errors that I made before. I shot silver medal in that tournament.

Archery develops me both morally and spiritually. I find my inner self while shooting arrows with empty and focussed mind. To me archery served me more than a pastime; it gives me pleasure of being.

There are several problems with this, first off I think you need to work on your grammar a little..

"It was the last distance (30 m) to end tournament, the energy..."

Another way you could write this, would be as follows:

"At the final stretch of the tournament, a staggering 30m distance, I felt my energy to be completely drained. While I placed first in the previous distances, the exertion from this sport caused me to feel debilitated and unable to keep up; scoring fairly low in the first two rounds."

Using more adjectives and powerful vocabulary, you are able to better express yourself and give your reader a sense of what you really feel.

"String struck my arm repeatedly, my bow hand ..."

There are several grammatical errors in this sentence, it should be more like this:

"The string repeatedly struck my arm. My bow hand shivered, and I missed an arrow. I then feared that I may lose the tournament."

Hope this helps.

Cherub, please provide the complete prompt for the extra curricular activity so that your essay can be properly assessed for relevance and compliance to instructions. I want to be sure that you will receive the best possible review for the improvement of your statement. That said, I can already see a number of problems with your essay in terms of a general review.

The first problem is that you are speaking in terms of present tense for most of the essay as you describe the activity. You are quite detailed in your description and you really take the reader into the archery arena with you. Your apprehension and excitement are evident. However, you do not really display a sense of moral and spiritual development as you undergo the activity. Though you tell the reader about it in the end, there is no portion that actually shows how this development happens when you are doing archery. What are the components of the game that lead you to moral and spiritual development? Why do you believe that this is so? These are the two questions that you do not provide a solid response to in order to support your claims in the essay.

That said, I feel that you have two options for the improvement of the essay at this point. The first is that you simply try to respond to the questions posed above while staying within your word limitation. The second, is that you change the activity in totality and instead present a more relevant activity that shows your moral and spiritual development while doing the work.

I know that some additional, more prompt specific advice can be given to you. I just need to read the full prompt requirement in order to better align the advice that has already been provided to you above.