I am enrolled in an independent study at my high school for sports medicine/athletic training. At the end of the course I had to write an essay explaining why I want to be an athletic trainer, personal experiences, what I've learned and where I want to continue my education. HOWEVER, I'm not very great at writing essays, so anything to help me revise my paper would be amazing and incredibly helpful! (BTW the Ms. Bunch referenced in the paper is the athletic trainer at my school)
Here it is:
Athletic Training
People are often asked what they want to be when they get older. However, many people don't know yet. Most of the time that is the first they've ever thought about it. When I think about my life goals, the one I think about the most would be my desire to get a degree in Athletic Training.
Asking myself what I want to do with my life has always been a stressful subject for me. I've always been the girl that changes her mind left and right. First, I wanted to be a forensic scientist, then I changed my mind to a obstetrician. The only thing any of the careers I've thought about have in common, is them being in the medical field. I want to help people. I want to be the person that they all come to for help, then leave my sight with a smile on their face. It wasn't until I started my second year of sports medicine that I finally realized what I wanted to become.
Throughout my life I have played many sports, including softball, cheerleading and volleyball. Sports have been what my life revolves around for years. When someone is hurt, I have always been the person to run out there to do whatever I can do to help, even when I had no clue what I was doing. Now that I have been involved with sports medicine and athletic training for three years, I've learned more than I ever thought I was going to. I've learned how an athlete can come to the trainer so frightened, but in the end leave with a confident smile. I've seen how a sprained ankle can be back to normal in four to five days with the proper care and rehabilitation. My personal experiences have taught me so much about the career in athletic training. During football season I did more than I ever thought I would in high school. Treating a dedicated football player for weeks, then seeing them go back on the field is one of the best feelings I have experienced.
One of those cases happened towards the very end of the season, when one of our players sprained his MCL. He was unable to walk, and his knee was swollen for about five to six weeks. This was the first MCL sprain I had ever personally seen, and it was a great way to learn, hands on how to treat it. For the six weeks he was in rehabilitation with us, we slowly progressed him from exercises sitting down, to balancing, to eventually running again. His swelling still wouldn't go down even when his pain was at a zero on a scale from one to ten. We then had to use trial and error to get rid of the swelling. The entire time we were using ice to treat him, including ice massages, and ice baths; we then finally tried heat after about four weeks. Soon after we attempted heat, the swelling went down tremendously. The very last game of the season, he was finally cleared to play again. I was nervous seeing him go all out on the field, knowing that if something went wrong, it could be worse than the first time. However, seeing how happy he was going out on the field and how well he played, it made all the time and effort worth it.
If I were to pick one of my favorite parts of athletic training, it would be taping. I am always the one to jump up to do a closed-basket weave on an athlete. I have always found taping one of the funnest parts of the job. Without all of the practice I have had, I would probably be very intimidated doing all of the tapings on the athletes; but I have had experience taping for two years and I will always be the one to jump up when the opportunity occurs. Another part I just recently found was the feeling you get when you figure out what exactly is wrong with someone. I was sitting in the office when an athlete came in to tell Ms. Bunch and I about a problem he was having. Once he explained everything, Ms. Bunch looked at me and asked me what I thought it was and once I told her, she smiled and said, "That's exactly what I was thinking." The athlete then went to the doctors and came back to tell us it was what we told him. That feeling that hit me was an amazing feeling. I never thought I would be the one to just hear what someone was going through and know exactly what he was talking about. It was a great moment knowing all the classes I have been through stuck with me, and I am able to apply them to real situations.
Most people go into college with no previous knowledge in the career of athletic training. I feel I have an advantage now going into college to major in athletic training. I know how to treat many things, tape and how to handle many situations. I feel this class will help me incredibly in the long run throughout college and my career. I plan to go to Western Carolina to major in athletic training. This course has prepared me for everything to come in the future and I am so grateful.
Without the three years of sports medicine classes I have taken, I don't believe I would have reached the conclusion that I want to be an athletic trainer. Having the opportunity to take this independent study, and further my education while still in high school has helped me tremendously and I couldn't thank Ms. Bunch and the administration enough for providing me with the opportunity.
Let's concentrate on the first part of the essay. Your introduction at this point needs to be edited for clarity. I really sense that you were confused about what course you wanted to take in college prior to the Athletic Training course you took. Let us try to create a more focused persona for you in the eyes of the admissions officer by making it sound like you have always wanted to go into Athletic Training and Sports Medicine as a career. An admissions officer is always impressed once he reads and essay and early on establishes that the applicant has a definite career path set out for him or herself from the get-go. I would like to see that in your essay as well.
About the Ms. Bunch person, establish her character early on in the essay as positive influence who further persuaded you that you are on the right career path. That way her entrance and the subsequent encounters that you had with her in the narrative does not come across as abrupt. You have a number of experiences related to the major that you wish to pursue. I suggest that you limit it to the singular, most important experience that could serve as the basis for convincing you that you will be a success in this career. That would have more impact than 4 stories of experiences at various levels of participation. What we are looking for here is your moment of epiphany.
Overall, the essay just needs tweaking and some editing but it is a pretty solid piece of writing and can actually work well with regards to enhancing your application.
