I am an international student applying to Gatech this Fall. Here is my supp essay for this great great great school. Please help me to evaluate it, I am very grateful to recieve all your sincere (harsh-constructive) comments. Thank you so much!
Why are you interested in attending Georgia Tech and what do you hope to contribute to our community? (150 word limit)
I was not born on top but born to conquer it. Nothing satisfies my thirst more than the rewards hidden behind every challenge. Well-known for its difficult programs and heavy workload, Gatech attracted me. At this prestigious institute, I will receive the strongest academics, learn from the best professors, who sometimes prefer doing their research to teaching, and be in the same class with ingenious youths from around the world. Once I attend Gatech, I will put my endurance to the edge of being broken. Tough, I know. Difficulties, however, will sharpen my knowledge, urge me beyond my supposed boundary/ possibility/ ability to grow onto a higher standard. I will meet the ebullient bee community at Gatech and hopefully see myself turning into a daunting bee. I am now more than eager to wear white and yellow.
You answer why you want to go to Gtech but you don't clearly answer what you can contribute to the community. If you have more room for words, elaborate on how you can contribute or if you don't have room delete everything after "Tough" and elaborate. You have a problem with your parallelism in "doing their research to traching" which should be "researching and teaching." You should also delete "and be" after "teaching."
Thank you so much!
About the phrase "prefer doing their research to teaching", I want to show that at Gatech I have to lern myself and will not always have a great help from teachers. And, the part "and be", if I delete, will my sentence be incoherent: wil receive...,learn...and be...
I'll rewrite the essay, and elaborate about my contribution more. Thank for your help!
"who...teaching" is a dependent clause. Read the sentence without the dependent clause and it will sound a whole lot better with the changes. "I will receive the strongest academics and learn from the best professors in the same class..."
Ok, I change it and rewrite my essay! Thank you so much!
I've rewritten my essay. I want to more about my contribution to the diverse culture at Gatech but it has already 164 words.
I was not born on top but born to conquer it. Nothing satisfies my thirst more than the rewards hidden behind every challenge. Well-known for its difficult programs and heavy workload, Gatech attracted me. At this prestigious institute, I will receive the strongest academics and learn from the best professors in the same class with ingenious youths from around the world. Once I attend Gatech, I will put my endurance to the edge of being broken. Difficulties, however, will sharpen my knowledge, urge me beyond my supposed boundary to grow onto a higher standard. Throughout my high school years, I represented my school in Chemistry contests, enthusiastically cheered at every school competitions and found a charity club called IDO to raise funds for the monthly trips to Little Rose Orphan house. Diverse activities at Gatech will give me many opportunities to continue doing so, especially I will be the yellow bee shouting loudest at every sport events because supporting the Buzzfamily is my bliss.
Thanks you so much!
To cut words, you can delete your first sentence ,remove "however" after "Difficulties," change "edge" to "limit" and remove "edge of being broken." You can also delete "especially" in the last sentence and create a new sentence.
I was not born on top but born to conquer it. Nothing satisfies my thirst more than the rewards hidden behind every challenge. Well-known for its difficult programs and heavy workload, Gatech attracted me. At this prestigious institute, I will receive the strongest academics and learn from the best professors in the same class with ingenious youths from around the world. Once I attend Gatech, I will put my endurance to limit. Difficulties will sharpen my knowledge, urge me beyond my supposed boundary to grow onto a higher standard. Throughout my high school years, I represented my school in Chemistry contests, enthusiastically joined in every school competitions and found a charity club called IDO to raise funds for the monthly trips to Little Rose Orphan house. Diverse activities at Gatech will give me many opportunities to continue doing so. I am ready to become the wildest yellow-white bee cheering for the Yellow Jackets.
So overall, how is my essay right now? Is it good enough? Thanks so much for all your constructive comments!
I think you should change "Well known...me" to "Gatech attracts me because of its well-known programs and heavy workload." Also change "my knowledge, urge" to "my knowledge to urge." Take out "in" after "joined," change "found" to "founded," capitalize "House," change "doing so" to "my involvements."
I was not born on top but born to conquer it. Nothing satisfies my thirst more than the rewards hidden behind every challenge. Gatech attracts me because of its well-known program and heavy workload. This prestigious institute, I will receive the strongest academics and learn from the best professors in the same class with ingenious youths from around the world. Once I attend Gatech, I will put my endurance to limit. Difficulties will sharpen my knowledge and urge me beyond my supposed boundary to grow onto a higher standard. Throughout my high school years, I represented my school in Chemistry contests, enthusiastically joined every school competitions and founded a charity club called IDO to raise funds for the Little Rose Orphan House. Diverse activities at Gatech will give me many opportunities to continue my involvements. I am ready to become the wildest yellow-white bee cheering for the Yellow Jackets.
I also think that I should be specific in which I will experience at Gatech instead of stating the obvious fact [the red part]. Thank you! If you have any suggestions for my essay, please tell me! thanks so much!