Auto-biography and serious advice

MY HW:
A 500-word biography that outlines your educational and extracurricular interests. Please include an explanation of why you wish to participate in the International Baccalaureate program and what you believe you could contribute.

I am about 100 words over 500. I really don't know how to shorten it. You can pull out information if you think it is irrelevant. Also, please check over my English and give serious advice. Thank you a lot!

P.S. I have just blanked ''------------'' some places because I want to remain anonymous. BTW: The mini school program allows a student to finish grade 8,9, and 10 in just 2 years.

I was born in China, where I attended 2 years of school. In China, there is a big workload starting from grade one. Self-discipline is a must, which I developed at a young age. I remember begging my parents to enroll me in Piano lessons. With long hours of practice consisting of many mistakes, I learned what determination and perseverance were really about and was able to improve. Sometimes, the workload and lessons brought me near tears, but in the end, the feeling of achievement was always worth it.

Then I moved to Canada. I learned English within a year. Canada is so different from China. In China, they try to teach as many things to you as possible, while in Canada they set plates of knowledge and you must take them yourself. I try to learn as much as I can because knowledge is power and infinite. I can never know enough; I may need something in the future, or I might never use it again after my high school career.

I joined a variety of teams, from football to badminton. I didn't know anything about basketball when I first joined, but I love to experience new things. I applied learning how to play the piano to sports. I also learned how to cooperate with others and work as a team. By the end of the season, I was not only a strong player, but I also earned Most Inspirational and Captain Sports Award. I involved myself in things like Student council, Library and Drama Club, and always participated in as many things as I can.

In grade 4, my English was good, but not great yet. I was striving for an A in English, and always came close with a B. I started reading, and I found out books are powerfully engaging containing the most fascinating wells of knowledge. I read from Fiction to Historical to Self How-To books. Within, a year of reading, my English skills shot up.

While other kids seemed to be groaning about school, I absolutely loved it! I was always looking for ways to challenge my self and learn new things. I went to -------------Secondary's Mini School Program. It provided a challenge and required high academic achievement. In the beginning, I found the Mini School program hard, I even almost failed a class but I was able to pull though 1st term, adjust and now I find Mini School quite easy. I continued to involve my self in sports and clubs. I joined the International Action Club, where we try to raise money to build a school in a developing country. I wanted to provide some other child with at least one opportunity like school. I'm a big fan of art, from textiles, to drawing to painting. Just this year, I realized how much I love the theatre arts, and I am very interested in becoming a part of my school's Theatre Company or even --------------'s.

I wanted to continue challenging my self and I found the International Baccalaureate Program. IB would be my biggest opportunity to be challenged not just at a provincial or national level, but on international standards. At the core of the IB program is making the world a better place and having a balanced education. I can make the world a better place and will contribute to ---------------s many clubs and the global community. I plan to participate in things like fundraising for charities. I am a well-rounded learner that could apply my knowledge to the world. IB would fulfill my love and need of learning.

lol, why so serious?


haha how can you expect to remain anonymous when you've posted your name?


e.g, you can take this out. It's absolutely impersonal and very unsupported. Instead, jump to your story and HOW you developed these qualities.


on my free time?


drew what? paint? sketch? not that it matters, but it gives insight on your life, which is nice


i'd take this out, you said enough.

intro: you've used 3 "love"s...sounds like frivolous to me. Also, you don't provide a clear enough thesis. Do you want to talk about academics/learning, or arts?


lol that's really not necessary. Plus, it's US the land of opp.


don't say generic statements. jump to what exactly have you done instead of wasting words summarizing


by myself and easily interacted
(btw no offense, but this is not really a huge accomplishment. all immigrants go through this. I'm not discrediting your efforts, but just to make sure that you understand that this does NOT make you unique)

avoid you's

seriously, your first body paragraph is a bunch of unecessary details in which the reader learns only 1 thing about you: you learn quickly, and you "claim" to love learning. The reader will be very skeptical if you don't provide specific examples.


you have a resume for naming your sports


once again, that's what resume is for


you prob want to explain what it is to the admin, not just to the EF people

ok, i pretty much skimmed over the rest. My overall opinion on this is that it is just empty talk, you declaring yourself as a person who loves to learn everything and join every club. However, a big problem is that you don't provide events about your life. You list things, but don't go deep in them, which makes them sound like fluff.

I know that the prompt might mislead you in thinking that it's the way to go, but let me tell you that many people will do the same as you, which isn't helping at all in the differentiation process. You need to be different to stand out, and you won't do it with this impersonal and fact-filled essay.

Here's my suggestion: take two or three things that really matters to you: music, sports, and school let's say. find 1 event in each that "show", not "tell" the reader that you are a very persistent and open person. Instead of: I play this and this and be done with it, say: My piano teacher used to call me clumsy, but after months of practice, I finally made to this this competition and earned her approval (of course, it has to be longer than that). try to "touch" the reader and incite some emotional response.

Then, in your conclusion, summarize your qualities that you've shown through the paragraphs, and say how you'll use these in the IB program (btw, show that you know what this program is, and say SPECIFICALLY how you will use your qualities in different aspects of the program). avoid generic statements like


or


and say what you actually plan to do.

good luck.