Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 6

AVID teacher, Peer Assistant Leadership - someone who has made an impact on your life


smuzio21 1 / 2  
Oct 26, 2010   #1
"An ending in life is just a new beginning, so you can start over again."

I was recommended my by AVID teacher to apply to become a member of our PAL (Peer Assistant Leadership) organization. At first I wasn't too sure about being apart of the PALs group because I really didn't know what they did; I barely heard of that organization when I got that application, actually. I started talking to my friend, Leo, who was in PALs. I asked him questions about the organization, like what they did and how would they help out other people. With all the information I got about PALs, I was convinced to fill out my application and turn it in. I was glad to hear that I got accepted as a PAL member. That is when I met the teacher who has impacted my life in more ways than one.

My first impression of her was that she was going to be very strict and angry all the time. As always, my first impressions were wrong about her. I was shy at first, and I did not want to open up about my feelings or anything that was going wrong in my life. She taught me how to trust others even when sometimes I didn't trust myself. She ended up being the person I could count on for advice about anything. She has helped me get through a lot of obstacles in my life, which I thought I would never ever be able to get through.

Mrs. Dovali has been many things to me... I need some tips about what to write after this.

this is the ending of my essay:

"An ending in life is just a new beginning, so you can start over again."

On June 10, 2011, I will be ending my high school years at Riverside High School. That day will be an ending to my life at home, but will be a new beginning to the challenges I will face in my future.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Oct 26, 2010   #2
Hi,

I think it is better if you can give a brief introduction of this person (just one sentence would do) because your essay is mainly about her.

Also, I'm suggesting;

My first impression of her was that she was going to be very strict and angryhot tempered all the time. As always, my first impressionswerewas wrong about her too . I was shy at first, and I did not want to open up about my feelings or anything that was going wrong in my life.
HarvestBristle 6 / 11  
Oct 27, 2010   #3
"I was recommended my by..." should be: "I was recommended by my ..."
also, you should probably explain what exactly is an AVID teacher

goodluck!!
OP smuzio21 1 / 2  
Oct 27, 2010   #4
dumi
thank you!(:
Your advice has helped me a little but i still kind of have writers block ha
OP smuzio21 1 / 2  
Oct 27, 2010   #5
I have writers block...
what can i expand more on???
Any help plz
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Nov 2, 2010   #6
being apart a part of the PALS...

I started talking to my friend, Leo, who was in PALs. I asked him questions about the organization, like what they did and how would they help out other people. With all the information I got about PALs, I was convinced to fill out my application and turn it in. I was glad to hear that I got accepted as a PAL member. ------ These boring sentences have no place in your essay. They make statements that the reader does not need to hear. Only include sentences that carry your reader along toward the main idea you want to convey.

What is the main idea/message of the essay?
I think it is: "An ending in life is just a new beginning, so you can start over again."
So what does that wisdom have to do with the teacher?

Mrs. Dovali has been many things to me... I need some tips about what to write after this.

Explain her influence in a way that celebrates this concept: "An ending in life is just a new beginning, so you can start over again."


Home / Undergraduate / AVID teacher, Peer Assistant Leadership - someone who has made an impact on your life