Hello, I'm just hoping to receive some criticism/feedback/suggestions on my short answer prompt for the common application. I don't know whether I am being too vague or not providing enough information about myself or my volunteering experience...
Prompt: "In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer)."
My response (exactly 150 words):
"Come on, it's not that bad." I begged, gently tugging on the leash. It was my third day volunteering at the local SPCA and my first confrontation with a stubborn dog.
"Look, a treat." I said in another futile attempt, throwing more cookies into the pen. I hadn't been advised how to handle such a situation.
Customers strolled by, curiously looking at the dog and I standing at the open cage, I trying to make it appear this is a normal practice. I'd run ideas and was preparing to stand here in till the dog chose to return to his cage.
"Do you need help?" A fellow volunteer asked, perhaps seeing my distress. I nodded, relief washing over, watching the volunteer drag the obstinate dog back into his pen. I move on to the next cage, feeling more prepared for any new obstacles this canine could have.
Thanks in advance to anyone who replies! I appreciate it a lot.
This doesn't say anything good about you. You stood there not knowing what to do until someone else solved the problem for you. Then, you believed that this somehow made you better prepared for the next challenge. If I were an admissions officer, I would actively not want to admit you after reading this. You need to rewrite this so that the essay shows you in a much better light.
Though you do describe the experience, I think you should elaborate on why this experience was significant. You really need to make yourself known as a good candidate for the colleges you're applying to.
Okay, thank you for the criticism!
I elaborated more in this new version. I wanted to know if it can flow better or if there's any incorrect grammar? (or if I should just start over again.)
Filling out the application to volunteer at my local SPCA, I had it in my head that all I'd be doing is playing with puppies and kittens. Months later after my first day, I've found it's a lot more work and dirty than I'd imagined. My job mostly pertains to walking the dogs, each one with its own unique personality, making each walk a new experience. Also, no matter the weather exercising the dogs is mandatory. Let it be a blizzard or raining quarters, I have the dedication to go for a stroll. I've had to clean up after dogs (which is never pretty), feed them (most have their own special diet), and even do their laundry by washing their bedding. Although it can be a stinky and exhausting job, I've learned to look past it and see that hardwork can be really fun.
I've found it's a lot more work and dirty than I'd imagined.
This is really awkward. This would work better: 'and dirtier' Since you used 'more,' it's a comparison so you have to use the comparative form of 'dirty.'
On the whole, this still doesn't get at EFSean's objections. It just doesn't tell that much about you.
Your new version is better, but still falls short. What you need to do is to elaborate on this:
Although it can be a stinky and exhausting job, I've learned to look past it and see that hard work can be really fun.
Why do you find this fun and satisfying, given how horrible you say the job is?
