Barnard is all that I have envisioned

What factors influenced your decision to apply to Barnard College and why do you think the College would be a good match for you? 100-250 words.

*I currently have 359 words which is a problem...if anyone can help me to make it more concise...I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you in advance!*

What initially drew me to Barnard was the rich history in which it was founded. Annie Nathan Meyer's dedication to expand educational opportunities for women reflects the true values of Barnard; leadership, growth, and perseverance. Barnard's humble beginnings in a small rented brownstone with just six faculty members and 14 students goes to show how far it has come to become what it is today. I got the impression that Barnard is a school that fosters innovative minds such as Meyer who are not afraid to take on challenges.

Currently undecided in what I wish to major in, Barnard's implication of the Foundation curriculum would give me the opportunity to discover and explore my options. Although some may frown upon having to fulfill such required classes, I look to it as a chance to go out of my comfort zone. I am excited to be exposed to subjects I can possibly be interested in such as personality psychology or neuroscience. I look to Barnard to challenge me and I am more than ready to take on whatever comes my way.

"We're competitive with ourselves, not each other. My friends and classmates are my cheerleaders, my support network, assuring me that I can succeed," wrote a student. I see Barnard as a place where already passionate young women can truly thrive not just individually, but together. I can only hope to have the opportunity to be a part of the flourishing Barnard sisterhood.

Many schools with a campus that are located near cities say that they offer the "best of both worlds." However, Barnard exceeds all of them. Barnard offers me the small liberal arts education with an enrollment of about 2500 students but also the prodigious resources of Columbia University. It provides individualized attention, small classes, and incredible research opportunities. On the other hand, it also offers me endless adventures in the cultural melting pot of New York City. I can picture myself taking advantage of free trips to the Metropolitan Museum, watching shows at Lincoln Center, and going on late night escapades to the city's best restaurants. For all these reasons, I choose Barnard to be the college destined for me.

Yoosol, for starters, you don't need to discuss the history of Barnard College at the start of the response. That is unnecessary as the reviewer is quite familiar with the history of their university and what makes it special. You should also skip the quotation from the unknown student. All that is important in this essay is your response to the prompt.

The response you wrote about being undecided about your major is one of the acceptable reasons for your opting to study at Barnard College. The final paragraph doesn't gel with the prompt requirement and should be revised. Your response should center on the academic side of the university. What attracted you to Barnard should be related through the classes you hope to take, professors you wish to learn from, and any research that you hope to do should you stick to Psychology or Neuroscience as your major.

You can opt to use the campus community as a reason you were attracted to apply, but only if you actually visited the campus and experienced an interaction with the students that left an impression on you. Otherwise, your reference to the campus sounds like it just came from the website or student brochure. It won't impress the reviewer at all. A close, personal connection to the academic and learning community would be the best reflection of the reasons for your attraction to and idea behind why studying at Barnard would be a good match for you. Discussing how you plan to enjoy life in New York sounds more like you wanting to be a tourist rather than a student. Stick more to the academic discussion in order to create the proper impression of yourself with the reviewer.

@Holt

How is this? ...

Yoosol, your first paragraph is running too long. That is primarily because you are discussing two topics in one paragraph. What you have to do to fix it is separate the topic paragraphs. That means that the discussion about your civic interests should have a separate paragraph below your opening remarks. By the way, change the sentence to "personality psychology and biology." not "with biology" because those are two separate classes in two different fields of science.

About your civic interest, I suggest that you speak of the BCRW program first in relation to your interest in women's rights. Do you see the stand alone sentence beneath the discussion about BCRW? Integrate that into the BCRW discussion by making it your opening sentence. Then end with your statement about GALS.

Let's see how the essay looks and feels after this adjustment. I believe that it should be better and ready for use by then. Good luck with your application.

Hello, let me give my correction for you

... and 14 students goesgo to show because ...

exposed to subjects that I can possibly be interested this sentence need connector

I look to it as a chance no need preposition in this sentence

thank you

What initially drew me to Barnard was its rich history. Annie Nathan Meyer's dedication to expand educational opportunities for women reflects the true values of Barnard; leadership, progress, and perseverance. Barnard's humble beginnings in a small rented brownstone go to show how far it has come. I got the impression that Barnard is a school that fosters innovative minds such as Meyer who are not afraid to take on challenges. [...]

Yoosol, you need to make adjustments to the first paragraph where you speak of the values that Anne Nathan Meyer instilled in Barnard. Rather than simply repeating the information, show and tell the reviewer that you embody those ideals. It is because of your actual embodiment of these ideals that you found yourself attracted to Barnard in the first place. What you can do is say something to this effect:

Throughout my life, I have always found myself to be a natural born leader who has always believed that progress can only be achieved through perseverance. I guess that is why I found myself drawn to the liberal arts education of Barnard as established by Anne Nathan Meyer.

You can skip the description of the school building and instead, use the part about the impression you created about the school based upon the values of Meyer. That should help you create a more personal connection to the college in the opening paragraph and further help to establish your reasons for wanting to enroll at the college. The rest of the essay is fine. No need to make any changes in the succeeding paragraphs. Those are in its final form and can be used as you have it now. Just modify the opening statement, nothing more.