Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 5

Bates-How did you discover Bates? Why do you wish to attend Bates?


maineballin 2 / 6  
Dec 29, 2010   #1
An essay just for you to tear apart(to build)

I first learnt about Bates when I moved almost next door to the campus, at the beginning of my freshmen year of high school. At that time, I had no clue what Bates was or stood for. Actually, being from Pittsburgh I barely knew anything about Maine. However, as I started to look into colleges during my junior year, my parents suggested that I look at Bates. Obviously, I had completely overlooked the college that was closest to me geographically and assumed it probably wasn't very good, but how wrong I ...

after edits:

i highlighted something i think might not fit

When I first moved almost next door to Bates College at the beginning of my freshmen year of high school, I was quite excited about having a world class institution so close to me. While most kids want to experience the world and move as far from home as possible, I haven't really felt that is something that would appease me. Not because that I don't want to explore the world, but because I have experienced so much of the world already. I have already lived in Delhi, New York City, Pittsburgh, spent summers in California and Boston and been on vacations to all corners of the country. I have loved it all and one day I will explore more and I want to study abroad, but at this point in my life I just want to be in a place I can enjoy and not worry about finding a new favorite restaurant. Additionally, after doing some research I learnt that Bates is actually one of the best liberal arts colleges in the world. I would never have imagined I lived so close to a world class institution. But while the high ranking is a given, what really convinced me to apply to Bates were the experiences I had while I was at Bates.

Occasionally, throughout my junior year I would visit Bates. At one point when I had to do a project for AP U.S. History, I spent several days in the library doing research and putting together a presentation with some of my classmates. While I was at the library I had a hard time figuring out the system used there at first. What really surprised me was that when a student saw me having some trouble they would come up to me and ask me if I needed help. I was taken back by their kindness to offer a mere high school student their time. Some of them even took an interest in our project and lent us some of their knowledge. At another time, my U.S. History class took a practice AP test in a Bates' lecture room and got to take a special tour of the campus courtesy of Jared Cash and we ended the day by having a warm meal in the Bates Common. After spending the considerable amount I already have at Bates I can truly say that I would love to wake up everyday to a warm waffle in the Bates dining room for the most important four years of my life.

Critique welcome, thanks!
gracedrift 7 / 34  
Dec 29, 2010   #2
I would nix the bits about how you overlooked it in the beginning and made false assumptions. It creates a bit of a stigma that detracts from the rest of the piece.
OP maineballin 2 / 6  
Dec 29, 2010   #3
Thank you. any more suggestions?
gracedrift 7 / 34  
Dec 29, 2010   #4
The admissions officers know that Bates is highly ranked. There's no need to bring it up.

Second paragraph: "Occasionally" is unnecessary. Just start with throughout

Also, I like that you've brought up your world travels. It makes you a more interesting, unique applicant
the_astronaut 2 / 4  
Dec 29, 2010   #5
At another time, my U.S. History class took a practice AP test in a Bates' lecture room and got to take a special tour of the campus courtesy of Jared Cash and we ended the day by having a warm meal in the Bates Common.

This sentence seems very long and wordy. I would suggest breaking it up into two.

Otherwise, it is a very honest and well written essay. Good job!


Home / Undergraduate / Bates-How did you discover Bates? Why do you wish to attend Bates?