Here is my rough draft! I know there are some errors but I wouldn't mind them being pointed out! Please help me proofread it I am really trying to make it interesting so I can get accepted. Thanks!
When most people ask me where I see myself in the next 10 years I often respond by saying working as an A&R executive or owning my own PR company. When asked why I chose these careers? I simply say because I have always had a passion for media and entertainment.
My chatty and outgoing personality has always provided me with ample recognition. It has also given me the ability to contribute to my potential career. Ever since I was a little girl, music would put me in a happy place and would inspire me to be more creative. Even during a young age, watching Britney Spears preform her first hits would make me think of how exhilarating it would be to manage or be a part of an artists' team. Researching and finding new music has always appealed to me. One of my favorite hobbies is to discover new artists by attending random shows across Los Angeles. To be able to think that one day I would be able to scout artists or manage their publicity as a career would be a dream come true. My wide range of taste is what would make me most capable of starting my own record label or PR company!
While browsing through the Annenberg website I felt a sudden boost in my confidence. Looking through the alumnis current careers as well as noticing prestigious companies like Warner Bros., Sony, and E Entertainment made me realize the amount of opulence the school has to offer. During my time in college, I would love to continue to intern for multiple companies. I am positive that USC would open many doors and provide me with great options to choose from. In addition to being involved with internships as an extracurricular, I would also like to contribute to the reputable Annenberg TV News and TriSight Communications. Working for the school organized firm would enable me to expand my knowledge on public relations as well as broaden my communication skills. Nonetheless, it would provide me with insight on the day to day basis of the career that I am choosing.
The diversity of USC would offer me new opportunities. The detailed courses in communications would further my skills and capabilities. During my time at Warner Brothers Records one of my supervisors and USC alumni, Roderick Scott, explained to me all the great opportunities USC had presented him with. All USC alumni I have met constantly praise the school for its engaging and entertainment enriched classes. These examples of USC alumni have further more motivated me to become a Trojan. Watching their success and seeing how the school had well prepared them for their career has made USC appeal to me even more! I have always been aware of the great courses taught by USC and as I grew older and more stable in what career path I choose, USC has only further captivated me . Not only would I be thrilled at the concept of being a Trojan, but I would also further my knowledge. The ability to be involved in such a prestigious student body would be challenging and valued.
When most people ask me where I [i]would [/i] see myself...
It hashad also given me the ability to contribute to my potential career.
Great essay! Your personality definitely shows through :)
What's the essay prompt?
There's no way to really help with this without knowing the writing task.
However, I can make these comments:
1. Put away the thesaurus. Words like "ample" and "opulence" don't fit in an essay that uses the phrase "put me in a happy place."
2. Dispense with the exclamation points.
3. Remove the words "great" and "happy." They don't mean anything.
4. You've misused the transition word "nonetheless."
5. Roderick Scott is, I presume, only one person. He can't be "an alumni."
I have one last comment (unless you'd like more help).
Thanks so much for your feedback!
The essay prompt is as follows:
All applicants to Broadcast and Digital Journalism, Print and Digital Journalism, or Public Relations majors must submit a one-page Statement of Intent, explaining their reasons for pursuing an education and career in journalism or public relations.
Well make a list of reasons why the field interests you and then comment on each item on the list.
I wish there were a way to communicate privately here, but if you'd for me to work with you on this here, give me a time you're available. I can certainly afford an hour or so of my time if I can help you achieve something significant.
The only times I'm unavailable are from 3pm until 6pm M-F.
explaining their reasons for pursuing an education and career in journalism or public relations
Well make a list of reasons why the field interests you and then comment on each item on the list. This essay just tries too hard.
I wish there were a way to communicate privately here, but if you'd for me to work with you on this here, give me a time you're available. I can certainly afford an hour or so of my time if I can help you achieve something significant.
The only times I'm unavailable are from 3pm until 6pm M-F.
I would find a way to make the first sentences more interesting. Maybe you can start off with dialogue? You can always add an anecdote somewhere for interest.
I agree with JkJeremey that the woulds are a problem. I've been having the same problem with an essay I'm writing and it's tough. Thankfully, in your essay, it shouldn't be too hard. For example, you can just take them out like this.
" Ever since I was a little girl, music put me in a happy place and inspired me to be more creative."
I would also work on varying your sentence structure, something I am not personally good at.
A few more things:
you use 'as a little girl' and 'even at a younger age'. See if you can join the sentences/ideas
show us how being chatty connects to the rest of the paragraph
I wanted to go to USC but didn't have the money so I hope you get accepted. That way I can live vicariously through you and your lovely essay. Hope this helps!
Thank you guys for your outstanding help! It is greatly appreciated! :)
Not only is USC located in the heart of the entertainment capital of the world, but it also provides their students with well established courses that further their capabilities.
My interest in becoming a publicist and A&R executive sparked in high school after taking a public speaking course. I have always had a huge interest in the study of communications, networking, and business relationships and looked forward to continuing my studies once in college. Once I entered community college, I took the advantage of taking Communication courses to discover if I still found it as my true calling. The courses captivated me and I felt more involved than I had in my other courses.I feel like this is too much of a back story without it having any actual details. I don't get that you're passionate about communications. Show me, don't just tell me.
Looking through all the entertainment enriched classes offered at USC has motivated me to attend the school. I would expand on the courses, maybe even talk about one that seems really cool or a research project that a faculty is undertaking. Make USC believe that it's the only school you want to attend because as of right now, your interest in them is vague. It's almost as if you could be talking about another school.
The successful alumni has proved that attending the university creates positive advantages for starting one's career. I have chosen both Communication and Public Relations major to explore the area of expertise needed for the careers I have chosen. Repititive.
If accepted, I look forward to joining TriSight Communications as well as continuing internships as an extracurricular activity . I would get rid of this just because I don't think it adds anything.
I plan to be an active Trojan both on and off campus, representing the school in the best way possible in hopes of one day reaching the success of its alumni.
This is not quite there for me. It's okay, it could be better, you could be blowing my socks off. I think you're too vague and you need to narrow in why USC is the school for you. The prompt mentions academics and you just touched upon them. Be direct and to the point to show off your effective communication skills, but also make it entertaining to read so they want to get to know you and hopefully admit you. Hope I helped.
