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Becoming a doctor - personal Letter about my future plans (Mount Ida College)

tiya90 1 / 1  
Feb 7, 2010   #1
On a separate page, please submit an essay or personal statement describing your future plans, and how Mount Ida College will help you to achieve them. Make sure to write about past academic successes and/or struggles (in either high school or college), extracurricular involvement, leadership positions held, and awards received. Please be complete and thorough as the essay is used in the admissions decision process.

I am passionate about becoming a doctor, for several reasons. I yearn to heal, cure, and save lives of children, women and elders on the streets of Ethiopia without having to worry about my knowledge limitations. I gained plenty of experience at a young age, which set my priorities on track and gave me the tools to become a keen doctor. I will succeed in my area with no hesitation, because I strive and live for knowledge. My manner in studying is not to have to memorize books to excel but it is my mission to excel in understanding what I am learning.

Being a first generation college student in my family, my parents worked extra hard for us to obtain what they never had, an education. Therefore, they made sure to provide their eight children with the highest and best education while sacrificing their lives. My parents never wanted us to experience what they had experienced in Ethiopia; dropping out of elementary school to provide for their parents, working at the age of 9, and being deprived from the privileges of obtaining an education, thus sending us off to foreign countries at a young age.

My passion for wanting to become a doctor began at the age of 10. A documentary about Ethiopia was showing on our television and my siblings and I were all excited to watch it. After some time we learned that, the documentary was about the 1980's major drought in Ethiopia that took away millions of innocent lives. What I saw changed my life completely. There was a line of women carrying babies at a camp begging someone to feed their child, to stop them from dying in their arms. What struck me most was a young 11 year old girl who had lost her parents to drought; she was carrying her starving baby sister on her back, while walking 3 miles from her village to the camp that provided food. At the time, I was 10 years old myself, while my baby sister was an infant living in Ethiopia, that's when it hit me hard and I realized this could have been me carrying my baby sister while she was breathing her last breaths in my arm. I cried and knew it was essential for me to be a dedicated emergency doctor to save her life and thousands of other children who need immediate attention.

At the age of 15, I created an African club in my school, which consisted of a mere 10 Africans in a 200-student high school in the United Arab of Emirates. My classmates were shocked to learn what was happening in Africa and sought ways to help. With their aid, we donated and sent clothes to a few African countries. I received an award for outstanding performance as a President of the club, and ever since, my motivation fueled with enthusiasm originated.

After graduating from high school at the age of 16, I had to put my higher education goals on hold due to my parent's financial situation. That obstacle did not stop me from keeping myself busy learning, I began tutoring children English and this taught me a great deal about patience, dealing with time management, and trying to teach people ways to grow and learn new ideas and possibilities. At the age of 17, I applied for a student visa to the United States, to pursue my higher education; I unexpectedly received the visa and my parents along with my siblings decided that my education in the United States was worth the investment and furthermore supported my travel.

After moving to the United States, I acquired different jobs to expand my experiences and update my knowledge. I volunteered for One Thousand Village in Houston, a non-profit organization that helped sell villager's handmade merchandise. I worked as an assistant manager for a therapeutic physical center, where I attained immense knowledge of the business world as well as the healing process of injuries caused by accidents. At the age of 18, I moved to Dallas and attended Collin Community College; I worked for Westin Hotel gaining communication skills as well as multitasking skills, and the ability to work under pressure. At 19, I moved to Boston to attend Bunker Hill Community College, as well as to search for a better education quality. I have been and currently assist a retired legally blind physician for 8 hours a week, who has taught me a great deal about the medical world. I help him with his researches on traditional paper making, reading, writing, I am his eyes and through my eyes, I am gaining infinite insight through history, struggles, life from a different perspective and a whole new world.

I have completed the courses I need to attain my Associate's Degree in Biology, and I will be pursuing my Bachelor's Degree at your University. This will help me reach medical school and become a committed emergency physician. What I need to do is to grow in my life, education wise and financial wise, to be able to return home and establish a clinic as well as a school to heal, teach, and support women, children and elders. I am hoping to meet other people in this University, who will support and join my cause for awareness of what the world is coming to and what needs to be done to cause, at any rate some change. By being a student of this University, you will be playing a role that will cause prosperity, spread of knowledge, and change in developing countries to occur in several years from now.
phoenix20 1 / 3  
Feb 7, 2010   #2
Your content is very good. The ideas are supported with relevant evidence about your early childhood and your passion to become an doctor.

But there are a few things that, in my opinion, is problematic. First, Your introduction does not have the "wow" factor. Every sentence is disjointed. you need to connect the idea from each sentence so that it will flow smoothly. also, add a quotes or a personal story that grab the reader attention.

Second, your content focus so much on your early life that it sounds like an biography. I think you need to sum it up.

Lastly, in the prompt the admission officer want to know how Mount Ida College is the one for you. you need to elaborate more on that.

I hope this will help.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 8, 2010   #3
I am passionate about becoming a doctor, for several reasons. I yearn to heal, cure, and save lives of children, women and elders on the streets of Ethiopia without having to worry about my knowledge limitations.

No comma is necessary in the first sentence.
also, it seems wrong to say several reasons, because you list one big reason instead of naming several.

I am passionate about becoming a physician, because I want to make a difference in parts of the world where people are suffering. I want to make high quality medicine available to the children, women, an elders on the...

My passion for wanting to become a doctor began at the age of 10. I think you should replace this with a sentence that expresses something about the lack of medicine and physicians in developing parts of the world. It does not prove anything to say you wanted to be a physician at age 10. Focus on the purpose, your vision for the work you will do.

Excellent, this is all very impressive, and I am grateful that you are going to make such a difference in the world. If you are really passionate about helping those in need, you don't have to wait until your education is complete. Soon, you wll have opportunities to travel and help as a student.

OP tiya90 1 / 1  
Feb 8, 2010   #4
Thanks for the advice, I will work on the sentences. I am not going to wait to complete my education, I will be going to Ethiopia after I complete my Bachelor's Degree and work on volunteering at a clinic, and take notes on how I could change it step at a time.

Thanks again.

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