Hi, this is my UC Personal Statement essay for the first prompt (the world one). It is 496 words. I would like some feedback on this (strengths/weaknesses/improvements). And by the way, if there are some words that seem like "big vocab words", they are actually words are I tend to use a lot in my writing (and I know what they mean).
When I was a child, my mother would frequently take me to a wondrous place where I could find monsters, warriors, animals, cars, and various other things one could think of... all safely contained within the pages of books. This place, my local library, served as a source of knowledge, entertainment, and inspiration for me. However, as I progressed through elementary school, it came to serve me in another way: It helped me decide my future.
One day in fourth grade, as I was browsing the library for something good to read, I came across a nonfiction book about robots. I did not know much about robots at this time, and the only robots I had ever seen were fictional ones on TV shows like "Transformers". After skimming through the book, I decided that it was worthy of my reading and checked it out. Upon perusing the book at home, I became intrigued by the various robots pictured in the book and the processes by which they were built. It was surprising to me how such autonomous machines existed in the world outside of fiction. "Wow!" I thought. "It would definitely be cool to work with robots like these when I grow up!"
When I returned the book to the library two weeks later, I was eager to check out more books about robots, and I ended up leaving the library that day with a whole stack of robot books. As I read the books, my knowledge and interest in robotics increased. I learned facts like how some people use robots to perform tasks that are either too dangerous or too difficult for human beings to do and how people can turn cars into robots. I imagined myself as a robotics engineer, constructing my own robot and giving "life" to it.
Intent on becoming a robotics engineer in the future, I set out to learn as much as I could about robotics, computers, and engineering. Whenever I could, I visited the library in search of the information I desired. Not only did the library provide me with books that would help me learn more about computers and robotics engineering, but it also provided me with many other books that assisted me in my work in school. Along with the help of my uncle Wilfred, the library helped me figure out how could more expose myself to the field of robotics and how I could increase my chances of being accepted into the college I wanted. As a result, I eventually enrolled in many summer classes that taught me about robotics, computers, and engineering and purchased a Lego Mindstorms robotics kit for myself.
Although I do not visit my local library as often I as I did when I was in elementary school and middle school, I will always remember the times I spent in the library prior to my entry into high school, and I will always cherish the knowledge that it had bestowed upon me.
I think I know what Emma's saying (correct me if I'm wrong, Emma). You've focused your essay on robotics and engineering, which is fine, since I assume your applying as an engineering major. But your essay does little to describe who you are outside of your interest in robotics. I would assume that the college could determine this from the rest of your application. You've told a great story, but the story doesn't tell the admissions officers much about your personality. I know time is running out for UC applications, but perhaps you could shift your focus to include other aspects of your life?
Just my thoughts. Take what you want from them. The best of luck as you apply to the University of California system. I hope you are accepted into the college you want.
Take care,
Madison
