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I began scouring every magazine in my reach; perfect CandidateFIT (Production Management)

nsmith431 1 / -  
Oct 22, 2013   #1
Hi, this is my first college essay that I've written, and I was hoping for a little feedback on its clarity and if it answers the questions assigned to me

Directions: Your essay should answer the following questions: What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? The essay is also your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments. (No more than 750 words, please.) For the academic history form, you will be required to provide information for all secondary and post-secondary schools attended. Please be specific regarding dates of attendance, location and degrees awarded.

Ma'am you dropped your weave-
Fashion in the eyes of a cashier

Remember when Janet Jackson's breast made an unscheduled appearance at the 2004 Super Bowl- the only game that was ever interesting? It changed the way we discussed about how we dress ourselves, adding new vocab to our list of fashion phrases, such as the media exploited "wardrobe malfunction". While these "malfunctions" have become a rarity in the celebrity world, the memo must have not been passed on to the general public, in particular, the shoppers of many retail stores.

Sir, your mullet and tattered shirt really brings out your eyes- Thoughts of a Cashier
My first job, which I now owe to helping me declare my major today, was as a cashier at a local grocery store. Thanks to this store, I was exposed to numerous styles and how simple people view and create their own great, and some not so great, forms of fashion. Through these new, and occasionally scary, creations I began to form a captivated relationship with fashion. I began trying to imagine the general public in something even greater, something that I created. The feeling of creation and imagination dancing in my mind was like a euphoric drug...I wanted more.

"Do you work here?" No, actually I just wear this name tag and khakis as my fashion statement to the world...-Thoughts of a Cashier

I began scouring every magazine in my reach
Vanity Fair
But somehow it still wasn't enough. So I looked to the last outlet available: borrowing ideas from the pages of my prized magazines and bringing them to life in a new way. It was like a breakthrough. I began to get compliments and looks that I had never really experienced before. I thought to myself, if I could capture someone's attention over something so little like an outfit or a new hairstyle the possibilities were endless.

Dressing is a way of life. - Yves Saint Laurent
Now we're left to just one more question, I've been told to answer: Why the Fashion Institute of Technology? Why do I want to call this place home? Yet, asking this is the equivalent to asking myself why do I love competition in a fast paced environment? Why do I love creativity? Why do I love the feeling of being able to make a statement that reverberates across the world?

Fashion is not necessarily about labels. It's not about brands. It's about something else that comes from within you. - Ralph Lauren
In the end, there's only one real answer: fashion is a part of who I am. If I am to develop into a stronger, more experienced version of myself, then there is no other option for me than the Fashion Institute of Technology. Fashion has changed my life, and now I have the chance to return the favor. All that is left now... is for my chance to begin.

Thank you again for reading, and your advice!
Nick Smith

98_IIG 1 / 7  
Oct 24, 2013   #2
Using sentence structure/ writing accurately

- Varied and sophisticated sentence structures used to impressive effect
- Uses a range of punctuation highly purposefully and effectively; punctuation is another means to heighten impact of writing
- Spelling is almost always accurate; accurate spelling of specialist or less commonplace vocabulary; impressive control over even highly irregular spellings.

Follow these points when writing.
it might be helpfull

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