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Beijing Huijia Private School - My commonapp Personal statement



Victor A 1 / 1  
Aug 10, 2009   #1
"Good evening distinguished guests, teachers, and students, welcome to the annual summit forum of Beijing Huijia Private School. Today I am standing here to report on behalf of the school's economics club about our discovery of the principal causes underlying the global financial crisis. Let's start from Iceland's bankruptcy and then extend to the macroeconomic model of developed countries..." Receiving warm applauds from friends, teachers and even experts in economics, I felt relieved that my efforts and bitterness were not drained into the water, and that success was really hard-earned.

Cherishing the dream of establishing the first academic club in Huijia Private school, I and my three other friends entered the dean's office to apply for permission to set up an economics club. Yet what we received was the dean's gentle objection: "In our school history, never ever a single academic club had succeeded. A science club founded just 3 months before failed, because they were incapable of organizing interesting activities to draw students to join it." Though a little struck by teacher's word, we were not totally disappointed. After long discussion, our four friends burned the night oil to scheme a detailed "blueprint" for the economics club with both short-term and long-term goals.

However, as if the God deliberately intends to frustrate our spirit, the dean was not moved at all by our "blueprint": "Your plan is so ideal that barely any first-year high school students can put it into practice, since you have even less social experiences and leadership than your seniors. Actually, all of the clubs in the school were set up by seniors." At that time, we were almost helpless: "True that we lack the ability required to run a club, but as an IB student in a selective international school, we should have the courage to challenge and upgrade ourselves. Please trust us and give us this chance, and we can make it." Considering my words for a while, my teacher said slowly: "OK...I will offer you this chance, but..."

Burdening the invisible pressure on our shoulder, we started to implement the plan. Since economics is one of the hardest courses in the IB program and many students had failed the economics tests, I organized a mini-class once a week to teach my classmates economics to help them improve their grades; I also informed them with a little knowledge about finance and banking to expand their horizon without sticking to the textbook, such Bearstone's bankruptcy and soaring oil price. Through my constant effort, in the subsequent mid-term, few of the students failed the test, and some of them even said: "Your weekly lecture has brought the exotic finance and economics to our daily lives."

Though we have achieved some trivial successes, we have to hold events that can help our club to be recognized by all of people in my school. Our economics club proposed a stunning plan to hold Huijia's annual meeting this year at the end of 2008 about the topic "financial tsunami". We invited some renowned experts in economics as well as some executives in companies, and I and my friend Tom were elected to deliver a speech as a representative of the club on the causes of this crisis. Through searching and processing various comments and reviews online, we finally came up a comprehensive report on Lemon Brother's bankruptcy, which we thought was flawless. However, it was widely deemed by my group members and economics teachers as "too hard to clarify", meaning that we had to totally shift to another topic at the time when the meeting and the final exam were coming around the corner. I just wanted to give up! But under the encouragement of my group members and collbartion of Tom, I continue to chase my dream. On December 30, filled with confidence and expectations, I went up the stage: "Good evening distinguished guests, teachers and students, welcome..." As I was addressing on the stage, the experts were having eye contact with me, my teachers were smiling at me and my friends were listening attentively. Everybody was slient until the speech was over, and I was immersed with thunderous applauds right after the speech from the audience. That was really one of most wonderful moment in my life, and I could hardly explain my complex feeling at that time; it is a mixture of relief, joy, excitement, and a sense of achievement.

After the conference my teacher came to me and said: "You completely embodied the spirit and quality of Huijia IB students. Besides, I will tell you a good news! As you and your partners have performed so brillantly in this speech, your club became official." Later, I was interviewed by Beijing TV Station which expressed appreciation to our club.

Exhilarted though I was at that time, I felt that more responsibility and pressure has been placed on my shoulder. This is not the end but just the beginning of our long journey. Instead of just settling down on our vanishing accompolishments, I and every other group members have to keep strving to prove ourselves, to hone ourselves and to create the most powerful club in Huijia Private school.

Stay hungry, stay foolish

EF_Simone 2 / 1975  
Aug 10, 2009   #2
I like the way that this essay begins and I also like the story. You need, however, to tell it more concisely and then, perhaps in the next to last paragraph, find a way to say whatever else you might want to say about yourself that doesn't happen to come through in this particular story.

I invite other forum members to help you figure out what you can cut in order to tell this story more shortly and smoothly.
OP Victor A 1 / 1  
Aug 11, 2009   #3
I appreciate your advice. But what do you mean by saying "tell it more concisely". I don't get it.
tiantian12 8 / 47  
Aug 11, 2009   #4
I think you have paid too much effort in describing the setback you met in setting up the club. The purpose of the essay is to indicate your determination and ability to challenge difficulties and fully show your character in front of the AO. I suggested you shorten paragraph 2&3.

Overall it's a good essay.Keep working!


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