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I believe that diligence and hard-working is vital.

desinlim 2 / 2  
Dec 24, 2016   #1
"Describe, in less than 300 words, the values and beliefs you hold strongly to. Please provide examples of how you have demonstrated these in your actions."

diligence and hard-work

I believe that diligence and hard-working is vital. Therefore, I prioritise important tasks such as homeworks, projects, and revisions to finish them as soon as possible, only then I can utilise and enjoy the additional time well as procrastination is the thief of time.

Besides, I often set out specific tasks for accomplishment or completion, then I will stick to the schedule. Thus, I firmly hold onto self-discipline.
I am enthusiastic and passionate about learning new things. I have read various articles and books as well as concerning the current affairs. Then, I will share it with my friends and exchange our thoughts.

I have done my best to improve the relationship between my family members. I often give my opinions when there are family meetings. I care them a lot.

I am comfortable with working together with others as well as completing tasks independently. I worked as a part time app tester for a few months. The job has taught me to be aware of the minor glitches and problems which seems insignificant.

The Duke of Edinburgh's Silver Award has made me a better leader. For instance, as a group leader in my co-curriculum activity, I have become more responsible by assigning tasks to my members and follow up with them frequently. I treat my members equally and no one is left behind. My self confidence has improved consequently as the compliments are received and everyone have done their job well. Endurance and perseverance is learned when occasional failure occurs.

My 15-year-old friend has committed suicide recently because of diabetes and family issues. It has reprimanded me to treasure every moments in our life as it is vulnerable yet precious. I insists on living the best out of it.

Please help me on this essay. Thank you!
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,594 3760  
Dec 24, 2016   #2
Desin, I hope you won't mind but I need to ask you to better organize the essay by using the proper beliefs and values that are suited for the prompt response. Please use the following belief and value systems in your revised essay:

1. Diligence
2. Hard work
3. Independence
4. Self-discipline

The other comments and specifications that you made in the essay don't really fit in with the requirement of the essay so I thought I would point you in the right direction. You can revise the essay to better explain these belief and value systems by showing the reviewer how you exemplify these in your life using the 300 words available to you. Personally, I would rather that you just present 3 beliefs, that can also double as values rather than including self-discipline in the essay. That particular value is synonymous with hard work so I believe it could be rolled into one discussion. If you opt to limit your presentation to 3 instead of 4, you can fully discuss and develop each belief and value system for the benefit of the reviewer because you can allot 100 words per character trait.

By the way, don't discuss the DoE scholarship in this essay. It is not a specified prompt requirement. Therefore, it is misplaced in this discussion and ruins the overall effect of your applicable discussion.
ngokhoa99 11 / 58 14  
Dec 24, 2016   #3
I'm quite confused after reading your essay. You answered the prompt literally, listing 6 (I think?) values and beliefs that you hold strongly to, but they don't connect at all. You need coherence in structure as well as content to show the reader what kind of a person you are. These beliefs are poorly developed and does not bear any significance, even though they can. For example, how do the minor glitches apply to other aspects of your life?

Don't say what you are, but show why and how. Sentences like "I'm enthusiastic and passionate about learning new things" should be omitted to leave space for the evidence that you are enthusiastic.

Also, I think you have a tendency to repeat what you just said(diligence - hardworking, enthusiastic - passionate, and even whole clauses) and use curt sentences. The style can definitely be improved.

Your friend committing suicide is a really sensitive issue, so you should only include it in your essay if it has any purpose. I don't think it does in this draft.
chizy7 6 / 53 14  
Dec 24, 2016   #4
Hi Desinlim, you have just listed your values like bullet points. The prompt is designed for the admissions comitte to get to know you personally and not just your academics. After reading your essay I didn't feel like I know the kind of person you are rather it gives me a bullet point about you and not a description about you.

You should be more descriptive rather than listing out points. Like where you wrote about giving your opinion at family meetings I feel does not show that you care. Has has your opinion show that you care about your family and what do you contribute (probably something practical) to show how much you care about them. This is also a very strong point as it shows your concern towards others (please extend that point to other people who are it your family as well).

Just be more descriptive so that I will feel like I know you personally after reading your essay.
jiale1029 1 / 3 1  
Jan 3, 2017   #5
Hi desin, IMO there isn't a connection between the points listed in your essay. In addition, it is better if you are able to focus on maybe 3 values instead or 4 as you can include some examples for the values. The organisation of the essay is mediocre and by decreasing the number of values, I think your essay will be better. Also, I think that you can write something like you deserved the scholarship for reasons.

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