"My Biggest Cheerleader - My Father"; Common App - Person who made an impact

I need help with revising. Any advice given will be appreciated. BTW it is not complete.

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

Lights flicker on. A familiar voice calls out, "Naomi wake up." Half asleep I reply "okay." The man who calls out to me has made the greatest impact on my life. Through his guidance, determination and faith in my abilities he has shaped me into the person I am today. Although it may sound cliché, that man is my father and he has been my greatest role model, teacher, mentor, and my biggest cheerleader.

Throughout my childhood one of the greatest traits my father has shown me is how to be persistent and determined. One vivid memory stands out, how year after year for four years my father studied very hard for promotion to Chief Master Sergeant and for three years in a row he was not selected. Although he was not selected, he continued to study hard year after year and finally made it on his fourth try. Even though my father has tried and failed, he never gave up. His determination has been exemplary. I always told myself when I was younger that I would always try and if I did not do good I would try again. My sophomore year was the worst I have ever done in an English course. I was discouraged at first but I remembered how my father always tried. I thought to myself "I am going to try harder next year in English and get better grades. "Junior year I took Honors American Literature and I received my first "A" in English. My father has influenced my decision in my academic career to be determined and always strive to do better.

Maybe for the first sentence in the first paragraph, you could change merge it with the second sentence - for example "Lights flickered on followed by a familiar voice"

"One vivid memory stands out, how year after year for four years" - sounds a little redundant. We can change it to 'One vivid memory stands out, how after four consecutive years'

Perhaps we can also start a new paragraph when you start to talk about your English course.

Keep trying to post more editions of your newly revised essay; I will try to look at them more

Christopher,

Thank you for helping me! I will post more when I have more typed out.

So here I have added more. If you have time can you help?

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Lights flicker on followed by a familiar voice, "Naomi wake up." Half asleep I reply "okay." The man who calls out to me has made the greatest impact on my life. Through his guidance, determination and faith in my abilities he has shaped me into the person I am today. Although it may sound clichĂŠ, that man is my father and he has been my greatest role model, teacher, mentor, and my biggest cheerleader.

Throughout my childhood one of the greatest traits my father has shown me is how to be persistent. One vivid memory stands out, how after four consecutive years my father studied very hard for promotion to Chief Master Sergeant and for three years in a row he was not selected. Although he was not selected, he continued to study hard year after year and finally made it on his fourth try. Even though my father has tried and failed, he never gave up.

As I grew older and went into high school his determination was exemplary. I always told myself when I was younger that I would always try and if I did not do good I would try again. My sophomore year was the worst I have ever done in an English course. I was discouraged at first but I remembered how my father always tried. I thought to myself "I am going to try harder next year in English and get better grades. "Junior year I took Honors American Literature and I received my first "A" in English. My father has influenced my decision in my academic career to be determined and always strive to do better.

Now retired after 30 years of service in the United States Air force I thank my father for making the decision to join our nation's Armed Forces. My family has always supported my father as he moved through his ranks and him constantly being stationed in new places. I am grateful that he has supported me in every decision I have made. Spring 2012 I made the decision to tryout for my high school cheerleading squad. My father was quite skeptical of my decision because I have never cheered before in my life. Even though he was a tad skeptical he supported me and helped myself gain the self-confidence needed to officially tryout. I am thankful for my father's support because without it I more than likely would not be on the cheer team as I am today.

Groggily I get out of bed and smile. My father is truly my hero. He has made such a positive impact on my life and I will always be grateful. Without my father I would not be able to strive for bigger things and I would not be able to have as much faith in myself. He really is a great role model, teacher, mentor, and also my biggest cheerleader.