Hey! Thanks for reading and your welcome to tear it apart :] I was wondering whether I should take out the last paragraph and if it flows.
My first case was a seven year-old Caucasian female with a severe stomach ache. I prescribed two Oreos and a glass of milk and within seconds she was cured. This was ten years ago and my motivations for pursuing medicine have evolved from the simple desire to wear a stethoscope and lab coat. Now it is my passion for science, especially biology, that drives me to become a licensed physician.
Through my high school years I have gained academic interests that are as eclectic as the items sold on eBay; my love for Ted Hughes is equally matched by my love for derivatives. But biology has always captured my interest more than the others and it was my natural choice for a major. It never ceases to fascinate me with its wealth of information and ability to answer perplexing questions. With diverse concepts from gene expression to photosynthesis, there is no limit to learning. It is also a subject that is applicable to everyday life. So when my friend complains of brain freeze, I can explain to her that the nerve center above the roof of the mouth caused the blood vessels in her head to dilate and advise her to keep cold substances away from the roof of her mouth. Of course I aspire to achieve much greater feats with a biology major through Johns Hopkins. I aim to be one of the forces that propels JHU's research and a future medical school student working to save and improve lives.
Studying at Johns Hopkins is a great opportunity for me to pursue my dreams in medicine and become a well rounded individuals. It's academic rigor and excellent professors will give me a strong foundation of knowledge, its many research opportunities will allow me to apply concepts from books, and its diverse student body will teach me what books cannot.
what a great intro, really, one of the best ones ive read the past couple of wks, but while i see your a really creative writer, i dont think this whole idea of bio says nothing more than the obvious. Think about how many kids apply to J-Hop for bio and how many say the same kinds of things you do, basically the infinite possibilites and everything? Hows that going to make you stand out, your intro does, and whenever you use a creative voice, you do, but this whole theme on bio isnt really unique. Also your ending is just too generic, try to mention one specific great thing about J-Hop that you couldnt say about any other school, it might take up a little more space, but thast ok, your essay isnt too long anyway, sorry to be harsh, this isnt a bad essay, its just one that i feel you can use your creativity and your experiences in bio to create something more profound. Good luck, If you get a chance could you check out my essays. Thanks alot
thanks and I totally see your point. I guess I was rushing but i'll be more specific. I read a couple of your essays and they are really amazing! Sadly most people already said my criticisms but i'll definitely read if you post any others. Good luck to you too!
Nice! You are smart...
I prescribed two Oreos and a glass of milk, and within seconds she was cured. ----comma
another necessary comma: This was ten years ago, and my motivations for pursuing medicine have evolved from the simple desire to wear a stethoscope and lab coat.
Also, when you write smething important, always follow "this" with a noun. This diagnosis occurred ten years...