Here is a draft of my fresmen UC essay. Please critique it as much as you can.
The Prompt
Describe the world you come from ï for example, your family, community or school ï and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations
I come from a large family that has had more than its fair share of hardships to overcome. In 1997 my younger sister was born with severe cerebral palsy because she didn't get enough oxygen when she was born. Then in 2006 I was diagnosed with a rare type of children's cancer called Rhabdomyosarcoma. About three years later my family was struck by cancer again when my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I also have another grandma who just had knee surgery and two cousins that were born with cystic fibrosis. Having so many family members who have had health problems, as well as experiencing my own issues has greatly affected me and my aspirations. Seeing my family members struggle firsthand has made me want to do something about it. This is why I want to become a biomedical engineer.
If I were a biomedical engineer I would be in a position to help other people who are in situations similar to the ones that my family has faced. Luckily, my family has overcome the hardships it has faced, but this wouldn't have happened without the help of various medical professionals. I would like to become one of these medical professionals, specifically a biomedical engineer, so that I can improve the field of radiology, study genetics, and make prosthetics. On top of this I would also be able to research new ways to diagnose and combat diseases, like cancer. These are just some of the ways that I would be able to help others who have had health problems, like the ones my family has had. My experience with cancer and other health issues has made me even more passionate about becoming a biomedical engineer.
My dream of becoming a biomedical engineer is the direct result of the hardships my family has faced. My family has overcome the challenges we have faced with the help of skilled medical technicians. I would like to be one of these medical technicians so that I too could help others overcome their difficulties. I want to apply my skills in science and math to the field of biomedical engineering so that I can help other people. I want to give back to society and help other families overcome their challenges so that they can spend more time together. I feel the way I can give back to society the best is by becoming a biomedical engineer.
Thanks in advance for you help
The Prompt
Describe the world you come from ï for example, your family, community or school ï and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations
I come from a large family that has had more than its fair share of hardships to overcome. In 1997 my younger sister was born with severe cerebral palsy because she didn't get enough oxygen when she was born. Then in 2006 I was diagnosed with a rare type of children's cancer called Rhabdomyosarcoma. About three years later my family was struck by cancer again when my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. I also have another grandma who just had knee surgery and two cousins that were born with cystic fibrosis. Having so many family members who have had health problems, as well as experiencing my own issues has greatly affected me and my aspirations. Seeing my family members struggle firsthand has made me want to do something about it. This is why I want to become a biomedical engineer.
If I were a biomedical engineer I would be in a position to help other people who are in situations similar to the ones that my family has faced. Luckily, my family has overcome the hardships it has faced, but this wouldn't have happened without the help of various medical professionals. I would like to become one of these medical professionals, specifically a biomedical engineer, so that I can improve the field of radiology, study genetics, and make prosthetics. On top of this I would also be able to research new ways to diagnose and combat diseases, like cancer. These are just some of the ways that I would be able to help others who have had health problems, like the ones my family has had. My experience with cancer and other health issues has made me even more passionate about becoming a biomedical engineer.
My dream of becoming a biomedical engineer is the direct result of the hardships my family has faced. My family has overcome the challenges we have faced with the help of skilled medical technicians. I would like to be one of these medical technicians so that I too could help others overcome their difficulties. I want to apply my skills in science and math to the field of biomedical engineering so that I can help other people. I want to give back to society and help other families overcome their challenges so that they can spend more time together. I feel the way I can give back to society the best is by becoming a biomedical engineer.
Thanks in advance for you help