"The Birth of an Afterthought" - common applicaiton

Things to note before reading: this is a pretty rough draft, I'm having trouble with development and I'm hoping to get some helpful feedback :)

Concerns: Does the essay seem superficial/cliche?

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

The Birth of an Afterthought

The arena is crammed and buzzing with spectators. Their attention is drawn to a creature chained in the center of the arena- an enormous, jet-black wyvern. This beast is known for being deadly fierce and nearly impossible to slay. The lights overheard are dimmed, voices hushed. A challenger has appeared. The audience snickers. Her appearance is rather unimpressive, standing a mere five foot tall. She yields an equally unimpressive dagger, its blade visibly worn. Taunts begin floating from the crowd. The girl ignores their mockery; this is her own battle after all.

During the summer before freshmen year, I came to the realization that I was bisexual. This sparked a rift that divided my world in two. There was my external world, where I kept this realization hidden beneath plastic smiles and shrink-wrapped emotions. Then there was my internal world, where I battled the fiercest of monsters and a version of myself I wasn't yet ready to accept.

This battle within continued on as I entered high school, where I failed to fit into the mold my peers founds themselves so comfortable in.

So I befriended people who didn't care about my sexuality. I discovered that hatred is in the eye of the beholder, and that the friends who beheld me thought I was fine. I learned how to love myself when others simply could not. I began to develop an interest in psychology.

Sophomore year provided me with further complications. Sometimes, I wanted to be left idle. I wanted to slip into my internal world where dragons lurked and reality was twisted by a mere thought. Counter wise, I wanted to be energetic. I wanted to socialize and amaze people with brilliant lucidity. Stability in my life was roughly nonexistence. I was unable to secure an emotional baseline.

Then came junior year, the year I was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. (More will obviously be added here)

Accepting both my bisexuality and bipolar disorder might as well have been equivocated to fighting a mythological creature. I fought my peers, the stigmas, and even myself. These battles have left definite impacts. They have shown me that strength isn't always physical, that true friends can love any dysfunction, and that I ultimately want to study psychology. I wasn't born to lie down and be labeled a freak. I was born to slay wyverns, the real and metaphorical ones.

I don't think it's cliched :P
I like how you use metaphors in your essay and use it to describe your own internal struggles. That's very creative. Personally, I feel like you should add some more details, especially on the 3rd and 4th paragraphs. We see that you had difficulty with being bi, but what sort of difficulty? Why couldn't you fit into the same mold as others? I'd love to read your essay when your done with it. Just expand more on the troubles you had and how you overcame them instead of just mentioning them once.

I'm excited to see how your essay will turn out! I love fantasy, and your imaginary wyvern sounds mega- cool :)

Thanks so much for the comments! I promise I'll definitely give you feedback on yours today! Here's the finished rough draft of mine.

Further concerns: I know the bipolar paragraph is rather lacking, but I ran out of character space :(

The Birth of an Afterthought

The arena is crammed and buzzing with spectators. Their attention is drawn to a creature chained in the center of the arena- an enormous, jet-black wyvern. This beast is known for being deadly fierce and nearly impossible to slay. The lights overheard are dimmed, voices hushed. A challenger has appeared. The audience snickers. Her appearance is rather unimpressive, standing a mere five foot tall. She yields an equally unimpressive dagger, its blade visibly worn. Taunts begin floating from the crowd. The girl ignores their mockery; this is her own battle after all.

During the summer before freshmen year, I came to the realization that I was bisexual. This sparked a rift that divided my world in two. There was my external world, where I kept this realization hidden beneath plastic smiles and shrink-wrapped emotions. Then there was my internal world, where I battled the fiercest of monsters and a version of myself I wasn't yet ready to accept.

This battle within raged on as I entered high school, where I failed to fit into the mold my female peers found themselves so comfortable in. While they were fussing over pimples and boyfriends, I was trying to hide my true self from the world. In retrospect, it was the fear of being stigmatized that held me back. I was afraid that everyone would see me as disease, as a piece of junk.

In truth, I should have realized that I wasn't alone in my battle, that my high school world wasn't quite so big. I stumbled upon people who didn't care about my sexuality, people who were eager to accept me. I learned how to stop the internal commotion and embrace the opponent: myself. The fighting ceased, and I began to develop an interest in psychology.

Sophomore year provided me with further complications. Sometimes, I wanted to be left idle. I wanted to slip into my internal world where dragons lurked and reality was twisted by a mere thought. Counter wise, I wanted to be energetic. I wanted to socialize and amaze people with brilliant lucidity. I was unable to secure an emotional baseline. Stability in my life was roughly nonexistence.

Then came junior year, the year I was to once again take up my dagger and engage in battle. After months of psychoanalysis, I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. Mom cried, I laughed. She felt guilty for producing a bipolar child, I was amused at how much "bi" was now in my life.

Accepting both my bisexuality and bipolar disorder might as well have been equivocated to fighting a mythological creature. I fought my peers, the stigmas, and even myself. These battles have left definite impacts. They have shown me that strength isn't always physical, that true friends can love any dysfunction, and that I ultimately want to study psychology. I wasn't born to lie down and be labeled a coward. I was born to slay wyverns, the real and metaphorical ones.

Definitely an improvement. This is a great essay. Just "Mom cried, I laughed." Make that comma into a semi colon.
Other than that, I have no improvements to add. I love it! Good luck with your applications :)

Using a fantasy battle is a great approach to your essay! But i have one little suggestion: i find the part where you said "i began to develop an interest in psychology" a bit weak. Like you didn't quite explain clearly what sparked that interest.