"if only I weren't blind..." - St. Mary college essay about transformative experience

Please give me some feetbacks on the content and organization of the essay. I know my English isn't that strong, so there'll probably couples of things I can improve. Thank you very much!:)

Ps. I haven't given the essay a name too, so if you have any suggestion, please feel free to let me know.

Please describe for us a transformative experience and how it has impacted you. (minimum 150 words and maximum 500 words)

It was sometimes during late morning on May fifth, 2010 that I woke up and found myself in utter darkness. This abrupt loss of my sight was the opposite of what everyone was expecting after the operation. This was only a couple of days from when the doctors had removed the tumor found in my brain. From that day, my eyesight was suppose to improve, which it did until that morning where it just simply vanished! Even the doctors seemed to be lost for words, so after a few months of no change, everyone seemed to accept silently that my sight may never return.

The loss of my ability to see brought with it an enormous change in my attitude. Surprisingly, I did not have to struggle with accepting my blindness as much as with letting go of my ego. I always have high standard of myself and like to work alone to achieve it. However, becoming blind, I realized I have also become dependent on others, at least to a certain extent. This thought made the act of asking for helps felt very uncomfortable for me. Moreover, even after succeeding in speaking out my needs, I then often struggled with lowering my standard. Being a perfectionist, as my dad said I am, pushes me to work hard, but in these cases, all it does is to make me even more frustrated. It is just so difficult to make things perfect when you can't do them by yourself!

Nonetheless, when I think about it, I realized these necessary adaptations have helped me to become more flexible and open-minded. I finally accepted that eventually, I would have to learn to work with others. I became aware that, my comfort zone can only expand when I step out of it. As a result, although I still bite my lip from time to time when having to ask for helps, I would finally do it, and with more ease each time.

My blindness also teaches me to be optimistic with life and problems. It is not as if all the problems I faced derived from being blind; Some of them are just teen issues that anyone who are teens have to face. The real issue is the fact it is often easier for me to just blame them all on my disability. I often think, "if only I weren't blind, I would do better, I would not be this stress..." and so on. Unfortunately, I am also aware that I am blaming the problems on something over which I have no control, and often is not even the real cause of the problem. Thus, over time, I have trained my thinking to search for the bright side of things and to appreciate whatever my blindness gives me. Today, whenever the thought of, "if only I weren't blind..." pops up, I would complete it with something positive like, "I wouldn't have such a fantastic life!"

I think you should expand the challenges you experienced getting accustomed to being blind after the surgery.

It was sometime during the late morning on May fifth, 2010 that I woke up and found myself in utter darkness. This abrupt loss of my sight was the opposite of what everyone was expecting after the operation. This was only a couple of days from when the doctors had removed the tumor found in my brain. From that day, my eyesight was supposed to improve, which it did until that morning where it just simply vanished! Even the doctors seemed to be lost for words, so after a few months of no change, everyone seemed to accept silently that my sight may never return.

The loss of my ability to see brought with it an enormous change in my attitude. Surprisingly, I did not have to struggle with accepting my blindness as much as with letting go of my ego. I always have a high standard of myself and like to work alone to achieve it. However, becoming blind, I realized I have also become dependent on others, at least to a certain extent. This thought made the act of asking for helps felt very uncomfortable for me. Moreover, even after succeeding in speaking out my needs, I then often struggled with lowering my standard. Being a perfectionist, as my dad said I am, pushes me to work hard, but in these cases, all it does is to make me even more frustrated. It is just so difficult to make things perfect when you can't do them by yourself!

Nonetheless, when I think about it, I realized these necessary adaptations have helped me to become more flexible and open-minded. I finally accepted that eventually, I would have to learn to work with others. I became aware that, my comfort zone can only expand when I step out of it. As a result, although I still bite my lip from time to time when having to ask for helps, I would finally do it, and with more ease each time.

My blindness also teaches me to be optimistic with life and problems. It is not as if all the problems I faced derived from being blind; Some of them are just teen issues that anyone who are teens have to face. The real issue is the fact it is often easier for me to just blame them all on my disability. I often think, "if only I weren't blind, I would do better, I would not be this stress..." and so on. Unfortunately, I am also aware that I am blaming the problems on something over which I have no control, and often is not even the real cause of the problem. Thus, over time, I have trained my thinking to search for the bright side of things and to appreciate whatever my blindness gives me. Today, whenever the thought of, "if only I weren't blind..." pops up, I would complete it with something positive like, "I wouldn't have such a fantastic life!"

Kirin, your story should be admired. It touches a chord in the reader that should be able to help you gain consideration at the college of your choice for admission. I only adjusted the necessary parts and replcaed the words that needed to be replaced in order to improve the essay :-) Good luck with your application!


-... during the late morning... on the fifth of May in 2010, ... a couple of days after the doctors had... until that morning when it just...


- I had always set high standards for myself... and liked to work ... succeeding in voicing out... lowering my standards ... even more frustrated ...


- ... these necessary adjustments have helped...


- ... blindness taught me to be... problems I faced stemmed from being... I would not be this stressed ... I have trained myself ...

Oh! Thank you very much for your helps! It's very useful! Thanks!XD