I am trying to get accepted to an international college.
Feedback please! 2 essays, under 200 words.
(the general idea of the essays is to show different aspects of my personality, not only level of english, grammar ect.)
Why am I a vegetarian?
In February of 2006 my family took in a cat, and as a result of this I became a vegetarian. I saw happiness, sadness and tremendous fear in her. I had never owned a pet before this, so this experience was new to me. I came to realize that it is wrong and immoral to afflict any harm upon another living creature whether they are feline, bovine, human or otherwise.
In October of that year my family and I went to a vacation resort in the Galilee area. At one point in the vacation my brother suggested we go to the cowshed to look at the animals. It wasn't a slaughterhouse or an industry animal farm, just a simple shed with goats and cows. When I arrived there I didn't feel bothered. However the site of a worker moving the goats in a group made me start crying. I had to leave the area, for it was too difficult for me to watch. I didn't expect to react the way I reacted. This occurrence only reassured me that my decision to give up meat was correct.
In conclusion, I believe that I am doing my part in order to make a difference.
A Journey Through Time
If I could travel through time I would no doubt travel to the 1960's.
Firstly, the 1960's represented peace, love and freedom more than any other time period in history. Throughout the decade peace was very much sought-after. This spirit of brotherhood is something I would have loved to take part in. Whether it was the 'Civil Rights Act' of 1964, or the music which so often spoke of peace and brotherhood, the 60's always kept sight of our true goals.
My inspiration to start playing guitar was Jimi Hendrix, an artist that embarked on his musical journey in the 60's. Had I lived in 1969 I would have gone to the Woodstock Music Festival and attended his most memorable performance. Jimi expressed his love for life through music, I try to do the same.
Although during the 60's many saddening events did occur, like the Vietnam War and the assassination of John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr. I do not believe they outweigh the positive and groundbreaking aspects of this wonderful decade.
In conclusion, the 1960's if I had the chance to visit another time period, the 60's would be my definitive choice.
Greetings!
You've written a couple of great essays! I have just a few editing tips for you:
I came to realize that it is wrong and immoral to inflict any harm upon another living creature
In conclusion, I believe that I am doing my part in order to make a difference. - This statement is a little to general; it sounds a bit cliched. You could say "I believe I am contributing to good in the world by respecting all of its living creatures." That's just one way you could put it, but the idea is to be more specific.
Jimi expressed his love for life through music; [use semicolon]I try to do the same.
Although during the 60's many saddening events did occur, like the Vietnam War and the assassination of John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr., [add comma] I do not believe they outweigh the positive and groundbreaking aspects of this wonderful decade.
In conclusion,[delete "the 1960's"] if I had the chance to visit another time period, the 60's would be my definitive choice.
Good job!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
