TOPIC: -Tell us more about one of the activities you listed above, explaining what your goals were, what you did to pursue them, the results achieved, and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words)
Bored of being a social nobody in high school, I tried out for host of the annually Christmas Gala and easily stood out from over 60 candidates with my outstanding spoken English. My goal, obviously, was to put on a memorable show for nearly 700 audiences. Therefore, four of us, two hosts and two hostess, worked together to come up a theme that would most effectively capture audiences' attention. We progressed from classical Christmas Eve to 2012 apocalyptic day; drafting 4 or 5 different versions of emcee lines to fit different stage settings. After nailing down the motif, we kept revising our lines and jump right in to numerous rehearsals. Just as the saying goes: He that shoots often shall at last hit the mark. The gala turned out to be a gratifying success. We hosts received a plethora of praises from the students and my pronunciation was particularly appreciated by an English teacher. Looking back on the whole month working with other host members, show mangers and school teachers, I found out in joy and surprise that I did possess advantages in group coordination, besides, my passion and patience make me a reliable and cheerful person in group work.
Please help me check this essay's grammar and structure! Feel free to give suggestions and comments. I'd appreciate them a LOT!!! Thank you! :)
-TOPIC 2：Explain how you responded to a significant challenge that you have encountered and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words)
How would you feel when all tables in school cafeteria are occupied and you don't know a single person that you could join, so you just stand against a wall by yourself and hurried your lunch in 5 minutes with tears in your eyes? That was what happened to me on my first day of school as an exchange student. Homesickness, loneliness and language hardships turned my first week into a misery. "That's not why you came here." I told myself, "and if you want to be accepted, take actions on your own." So I force myself to start out positively: If nobody comes to me, I'll go for them! This change in attitude literally saved my year. I realized that most people were, instead of being apathy and indifference, simply didn't know where to start the conversation since we came from different races and culture backgrounds. This year's experience taught me a lot, but to name the most important one, is that it taught me how to adapt myself to new conditions swiftly. I'm no longer that sensitive, vulnerable kid. I stand tall, speak loud, fit in well and become a joyful existence to people around me.
Hey Kexin,
Sorry for the harshness of some of the herein contained comments, but they have to be done. The writing style is actually quite good and so is the topic of choice. However, the manner by which it is relayed to the audience is a bit lackluster, for it just reads as akin to a "list" of things that you did through this endeavor. While you should definitely include all of those ideas, it is critical to understand and reflect on an idea that I personally struggled with initially: forming a voice in your essays. Many college admissions advisors advocate such in their essays, whereby they do not simply see a story about you, but go one level deeper and learn who you are by read about how you write the essay. As I am particularly interested in pursuing science/math, I have written scientific papers in the past, which had left me bereft of any form of a voice in my essays. Though not to as great an extent, yours somewhat lacks that sort of ebullience that I'm sure you feel towards this activity. Rather than presenting it as the pieces of the activity that you actually did, I would suggest that you make a cohesive story conveying such. Also, don't be afraid to include humor in your essays, since many college admission people get thousands of boring essays to read: having one that is jovial and funny would distinguish you and make them appreciate your essay as having given them a couple laughs in an otherwise mundane day.
Here is a start of what I would do for the essay (though I am just giving this as an example, since it might not be true):
Revised: Standing on a stage in front of the intimidating faces of the judges, my knees began to shake. "What is your name?" their voices reverberated in the grand auditorium. My voice began to quiver: "Ke...Kex...Kexin." Scribbling some notes on their pads, they began "Ok, Kexin: begin your recital." And everything faded from sight: the judges faded away into oblivion, the auditorium reduced to merely the stage upon which I was standing, and the light shone all the brighter. As I pulled up my mental script and recited the words, my fear dispelled. The words flowed mellifluously off the end of my tongue, as I transformed into a royal prince
Hope that helped to demonstrate at least one direction that you could choose to pursue in your essay! And, if you have the time, I would love it if you could read through some of my essays, since it would not only be helpful for me, but to you, since reading a lot of such essays is how I developed and matured as a writer myself to expand my horizons from solely scientific papers.
WOW. Thank you John! I really appreciate your long reply! Harshness is good! :)
Yeah..I also feel something's missing in my first essay. It's too formularized...and emotionless :(
Actually I thought about doing it in a more dramatic way,kinda like what you revised for me, but I found that will made me unable to answer all those questions it casts (1.what your goals were 2.what you did to pursue them 3.the results achieved 4.what you learned in the process) within the 200 word...
PS: I did go through some of your threads, and it startled me.. You're such a good writer! The sentence structures, the vocab, the ideas expressed through your essays... Wish I could be like you one day!!