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'Boring Utah' - USC Extra-curricular Activity- South Jordan Youth Council



yennhihoang 5 / 9  
Nov 28, 2013   #1
Please pay attention to..
1. Tone.
2. Word choice.
These are what I'm most concerned about. Thank you!

"Utah is boring. Nothing happens in Utah. I need to move out of state." My involvement in the community was almost nonexistent throughout my entire life. Whenever I expressed these feelings to my peers, they always told me I was crazy to think Utah had nothing to offer. It was not until high school that I joined extra-curricular activities and realized just how many opportunities were out there. However, I only saw what was within my school and not much in my local community. I joined the South Jordan Youth Council to help give me an active role in my community. Through my involvement in planning and organizing festivals and fairs, the youth council opened up a whole new world of possibilities that I had never even considered before. At one of the races I volunteered at, my station was at the top of a steep hill. Running up and down this slippery hill at five in the morning on a rainy morning was anything but enjoyable. However, I still look back at that day as one of my favorite memories because of the enthusiasm my fellow volunteers gave despite the conditions. I learned that Utah has just as much to offer as any other state. It does not necessarily matter the amount of opportunities that exist, what matters is taking advantage of the opportunities that do exist.

tiffanyhng - / 4  
Nov 30, 2013   #2
You need some kind of introduction for this quote. You cannot simply just place a quote at the beginning of your paragraph and expect the readers to connect it to your essay. Start with something along the lines of: I used to believe that...

Tone: There really isn't a tone that stands out from this essay. I do sense some sassiness and sarcasm when you mention how running on a rainy day at 5 in the morning is anything but enjoyable, which I personally find somewhat comical in a good way. There are a few cliche phrases here and there that make it seem as if you are trying too hard to sound enthusiastic towards this extra-curricular. I don't sense an obvious "IN YOUR FACE" kind of tone if you know what I mean. Your tone just sounds a little too serious, with the exception of the last few sentences. This paragraph sounds good, but it doesn't stand out enough to make it memorable. Have fun with this supplement. Write about you enjoy about the South Jordan Youth Council instead about just one experience. Do you feed the homeless? Throw slumber parties so that you can grow deeper bonds with your peers?

Word choice: Thank you for not overusing flowerly, superfluous long words. Your word choice reveals what you want to say in a straight to the point kind of way, which I personally like. However, it does seem kind of flat in that I do not detect a strong enthusiasm for what you do, but that is part of your overall tone in general.

Good luck with your college apps!


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