I was born and raised on the island Ofu Manu'a in American Samoa - Introducing to my online class

Hello everyone,

My name is Sivea Mata'u. I was born and raised on the island Ofu Manu'a in American Samoa. I have two brothers and two sisters. On April 24, 2002 I lost my mother I was only twelve years old. A month later, I moved to Oxnard, California where I finished my 8th grade year and graduate from high school. After my youngest sister graduate from high school we moved to a small town Eureka, California. Family is everything to me. I love spending time with them, shopping, barbecue, and play sports (volleyball, football, basketball..etc). Sport is a big impact in my family, especially "Football". Glad to see my cousins playing in NFL can't wait for the young ones who working there way up. As of today, I finally decided to finished my Bachelor Degree with Strayer University. I'm looking foward to what they have in store for me. Can't wait to start this class and hope I pass it.

Sivea, let me help you clean this up :-) It can actually be tighter and shorter than it actually is.It is important to keep the introductions short in an online class otherwise you will lose your audience.


- Hi everyone,
I am Sivea Mata'u, a native of Ofu Manu'a in American Samoa. My two brothers, sisters, and I lost our mother on April 24, 2002. I was only 12 at the time but that change in our family unit sparked a change in our family life. We moved to Oxnard , California a month after her death. I completed my lower education requirements there prior to moving to Eureka, California with my family members. As you can tell, I love to spend time with my family and sports, mainly football, has had the strongest impact on our relationship because my cousins play for the NFL. I'm really looking forward to spending time with you guys and learning from each other as we complete our Bachelor's Degree here at Strayer University.

Some points for clarification that need to be mentioned in your essay:
1. Why did you just decide to complete your bachelor's degree now?
2. What degree are you aiming to major in?

I need to complete to get a better job and I'm majoring in Criminal Justice.

Then I suggest that you make mention of the reasons why you chose to major in criminal justice within your introduction. Your professor has no idea about why most of your chose to major in certain courses and this would help him get an idea of who you are and where you are coming from. I assume that this introduction is for a major class in criminology? If so, explain your point of view about the current state of the criminal justice system and how you hope to improve it in the future. Letting your professor and classmates know your ambitions in life will help create a connection between you and them in a virtual world. You can actually drop the part about your cousins in the NFL and try to gear the introduction more towards introducing your personality and class expectations. Talk about what you look forward to learning in the class and how you hope to be able to help your classmates if possible. Doing so should create a stronger introduction for yourself. Remember, in an online class, you need to make yourself sound interesting and eager to learn. Point out a reason or two about why you chose to enroll online rather than in a traditional university. After all, most criminal justice students prefer a face to face interaction and class discussion because of the real world requirements of the course :-)

Where I lived they don't accept credits from ITT TECH. One of my sister said she heard Strayer was a good schools. That's why I sign up. Thank you for your help I'll rewrite it again. Hope your around to help me.