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"born in Salinas, California" - application essay



member123 3 / 2  
Nov 23, 2008   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school- and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I was born in Salinas, California and I am an only child. It was not easy growing up because most of the time I was by myself and had very few friends. I grew up as a very quiet and timid person. It has hard growing up because I did not have close friends in which I could talk to. My first year in high school was a very hard year for me. I did not have many friends and I was mostly by myself. As time went by, I started making new friends but I was still the same quiet and timid person. This past summer, I worked at a theme park. The experience that I had changed me in a way. I made a lot of new friends and I was not that same quiet and timid person that I was before. I had more self confidence and did not feel alone anymore.

My family has been a big part of my life. My dad has been a big influence on me. He has taught me that everything is possible and that I can accomplish all my goals. Growing up was not easy for me. When I first went to school, I had a lot of trouble because I did not speak English. I did not have friends to help me with my homework and I spent about two hours with my dad just to do one worksheet. He himself did not speak English and really had a hard time. Although it was hard for him, he never gave up and helped me throughout my first two years of school. My mom has also been a big influence on me. She has helped me so much throughout my life, from reminding me to do my homework to making sure I have everything I need. Both of my parents were born and raised in Mexico. When they first arrived in the United States, they had a hard time finding a job and a good place to stay. Despite their difficulties, they managed to take care of me . They have gave me everything that I have ever wanted and have greatly inspired my dream of becoming an aerospace engineer and working for NASA or Boeing. My dad has taken me to NASA tours in where I have had the chance of managing air traffic in a fictional airport display. They have always helped me with everything and have always told me that if I do my best in everything, I can accomplish all my dreams and goals.

EF_Team5 - / 1583  
Nov 24, 2008   #2
Good afternoon :)

I have edited the first paragraph of your piece and made some general comments as well.

"I was born in Salinas, California and I am an only child. It was not easy growing up because most of the time I was by myself and had very few friends. I grew up a very quiet and timid person. It has hard growing up because I did not have close friends in which I could talk to. My first year in high school was a very hard year for me. I did not have many friends and I was mostly by myself.This is very repetitive; rewrite so it is not redundant. As time went by, I started making new friends but I was still the same quiet and timid person. This past summer, I worked at a theme park. The experience that I had changed me in a way. I made a lot of new friends and I was not that same quiet and timid person that I was before. I had more self confidence and did not feel alone anymore."

"...care of me. They have given me..."

The rest of the piece looks very good. Nice job.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com


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