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"Briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities" - USC promt



kingxpash 1 / -  
Oct 18, 2013   #1
Until my sophomore year in high school I could never imagine how enjoyable a sport played on the hardest surface on earth with blades strapped to the bottom of my feet could be. Ever since then my life has been revolving around hockey, at first I played street hockey while I was learning the game and taking classes for skating and other basic skill to play ice hockey. And this year I made the high school team, and love every single bit of it: traveling, practices, atmosphere, the people I met, teamwork and the room for improvement it provides. Every time you step on ice there is something you can improve on, whether it's skating, stick handling, shooting or knowledge of the game. I can see improvements in myself every time I go out on the ice and that makes it very enjoyable for me to play this sport.

*english is my second language so I'm sorry if something doesn't sound right

Pahan 1 / 1824  
Oct 20, 2013   #2
Ever since then my life has been revolving around hockey, at first I played street hockey while I was learning the game and taking classes for skating and other basic skill to play ice hockey.

... I think this sounds better if you split it to two sentences;
Ever since then my life has been revolving around hockey. First I played street hockey while I was learning the game and taking classes for skating and other basic skills to play ice hockey.

And this year I made it to the high school team


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