"Bright personality, knowledge and soccer team" - for UBC--Bachelor of Science

I think my answer is not very logical, I probability repeated my idea several times. But I don't know how to correct that. Please give me some suggestions. Thank you very much!!^^

The question is given: what qualities do you have that prepare you for success in the Bachelor of Science program?

I develop many qualities that help me success in the Bachelor of Science program. First of all, I have a bright personality and unlimited enthusiasm. I am an outstanding student from childhood which means I have a solid foundation of knowledge. This must have positive impact on my study. Questioning mind play an essential role in studying science, it is general accepted that science is a process of finding the essence of insubstantial semblance, so persist in exploring is the key of scientific research. I have a positive upward and strong self-confidence; I never afraid of difficulties and problems. My passion is the momentum of doing scientific research. My out-of-class activities in high school also contribute to my personal development. I participate student council and the girl's soccer team at my spear time. My role on the student council focused on the organization of social activities for the student body, which helped me develop practical skills like organization, communication and leadership. These skills are all essential to my future successes as a student and engineer because they are the key skills for planning, developing and completing tasks in both educational and professional settings. My position as a member of my school's senior girl's soccer squad taught me the benefits of team spirit and of being a team player, both of which will have a positive influence on how I interact at school and on the job.

They cannot help you success. They can help you succeed.
I developed many qualities that will help me succeed in the Bachelor of Science program.

First of all, I have a bright personality and unlimited enthusiasm. ----excellent!! I like this part.

I have a positive upward and strong self-confidence; I never afraid of difficulties and problems. -----Okay, now I think you used too much abstraction. Do you know what I mean by that? Any of us could type sentences about how enthusiastic and resilient we are. You should PROVE it with examples.

Also, end the paragraph some time. Do not make the reader stare at one long paragraph. A paragraph break is a way to get people to pay attention. :-)

I participate student council and the girl's soccer team at my spear in my spare time.

Great job, but divide this into 3 paragraphs. Also, give a few sentences to tell more about what you want to do. What do you want to DO? That is important... your vision of the future.

EF_Kevin

Thanks a lot! It's really helpful! ^^
The idea about paragraphs is excellent!
You correct about my essay is too abstract. But I don't know how to fix it. I afraid that if I use examples, it will take too much word. I mean I'm not sure what should I say and what shouldn't exactly. Could you please explain that further? ? You said I need say something about what I want to do. Did you mean by getting a job? I just mentioned a little bot about job. Same thing again, I don't know how to say it briefly. One more thing, what if I put into 2 paragraph? A paragraph about in courses life and another about out of courses.

Sorry, but I disagree with Kevin. Your essay needs a lot of work.

I possess many qualities that would help me succeed in the Bachelor of Science program. First of all, I have a bright personality and unlimited enthusiasm. I am an outstanding student from childhood which means I have a solid foundation of knowledge . This must have positive impact on my study. (reword this)My questioning mind plays an essential role in studying science, it is generally accepted that science is a process of finding the essence of insubstantial semblance, so persistency in exploring is the key of scientific research. I have a positive upward and strong self-confidence (???? what is positive upward?); I am never afraid of difficulties and problems. My passion is the momentum of doing scientific research. My out-of-class activities in high school also contribute to my personal development. I participate student council and the girl's soccer team at my spare time. My role on the student council focuses on the organization of social activities for the student body, which helps me develop practical skills like organization, communication and leadership. These skills are all essential to my future succes s as a student and engineer because they are the key skills for planning, developing and completing tasks in both educational and professional settings. My position as a member of my school's senior girl's soccer squad taught me the benefits of team spirit and of being a team player, both of which will have a positive influence on how I interact at school and on the job.

Make your essay in present tense. Avoid "this is" conjunction (instead insert what "this is" actually is).
Your essay does not flow every well. Work on transitions. There are more grammar errors. I only fixed a few.

Good luck

Yeah, I know what you mean. You have to stay within their word limit. Well, what I had in mind was for you to cut some of the sentences that repeat the same idea, like this:

First of all, I have a bright personality and unlimited enthusiasm. I have been an outstanding student since childhood, which means I have a solid foundation of knowledge. This must have positive impact on my studies. Questioning mind play an essential role in studying science, it is general accepted that science is a process of finding the essence of insubstantial semblance, so persist in exploring is the key of scientific research. I have a positive upward and strong self-confidence; I never afraid of difficulties and problems. My passion is the momentum great potential of scientific research in the fields of _______ and ______. (be specific). (Right here, add a thesis statement and then end the first paragraph.

My out-of-class activities in high school also contribute to my personal development. no need for this sentence.

I participate in student council and the ...

You don't even need to talk about student council or soccer unless you can use them as examples to support your main idea.

The essay should have one main idea, one big idea.


Mike made great suggestions here. Do you understand all of them? It's true that you need a lot of work, but honestly your English is very, very clear and effective. You just have a few bad grammar habits, but almost all people have at least a few bad grammar habits.

:-)