BROWN- my dream university; 'My interest in the international community'

Please read/review/correct/help shorten the following essays for Brown. ANY suggestions will be appreciated :) Please also correct my grammar and sentence structure wherever possible. Thankyou so much :D

Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply? (1000 characters with spaces)

The Open Curriculum was the first thing that struck me about Brown. Having been a part of the rigid Indian educational system my entire life, I have never had the freedom to create my own curriculum, make mistakes, fail and learn from them. My thought process has always deviated from the norm- something that isn't really appreciated in the Indian educational system. Seeing as I have an inquiring and analytical mind with a constant urge to learn new things, the Principal of my high school felt that Brown would be an ideal place for me to study.

Although I have a good academic record, academics has never held the most important place in my life. To me, an ideal educational experience would be one that not only includes a rigorous academic program but also allows for adequate personal growth- through a fun and comfortable college atmosphere and enough opportunities to interact with a diverse community. I have never lived or studied abroad but from what I've learned through interaction with Brown students and alumni, I feel that I will get everything I want from a college experience at Brown. Providence also seems like an exciting place to live and study in, with its unique history, cross-culturalism and large variety of restaurants.

My experiences at Mock trials and MUN's have helped hone my communication and diplomacy skills. I have seen how hard it is to co-exist peacefully because of all the problems currently faced by the world body, but have also seen the importance to do so. Different cultures and world-perspectives greatly interest me, and I feel that my experiences and knowledge will grow, if given an opportunity to attend Brown, making me better equipped for my possible future in politics of international relations.

Having seen so much suffering around me, with the large population below the poverty line in India, I have always felt the need to help in some way. The philosophy of Brown- to learn how to better the world, matches my mission in life. I think the Brown experience will allow me to grow as an individual because of your international orientation and innovative, unconventional way of doing things. Post-Brown, I hope to contribute intelligently to shaping our world.

Why are you drawn to the academic fields you indicated in the Anticipated Degree and Academic Interest questions above? (1000 characters with spaces)
(I chose government, law, social service, environment, media as my academic interests- it's compulsory to pick 5 and the options are limited) (BA- pol sci, international relations is my anticipated degree choice)

My interest in the international community was sparked at 14 when I attended my first Model United Nations (MUN) Conference at Kensri School, Bangalore. I knew little of international policy or protocol then, but through consequent MUN sessions, I updated my knowledge of countries beyond India, their politics, policies and problems.

By Grade 11, I opted to study political science and began to really think about international society and political systems. Instances of inadequate political dialogue and failed political systems, such as those in Pakistan, Afghanistan and some areas of India, intensified my interest in the subject. The need for strong diplomats and political systems has never been greater, with the growing acts of terrorism and unrest. The current Telengana protests in India have revealed the urgent need of stronger Government authority and policies.

In the summer after grade 11, I interned at Aditya Sondhi Law Chambers, Bangalore through which I got an opportunity to visit the High Court of Karnataka and witness proceedings of cases. On our first visit, we watched the proceedings of a 56-year-old land dispute. After the opening statements, the judge scheduled the next sitting two months later! After this experience I began to realize that the entire Indian judicial system needs restructuring and I was more drawn to the options of law and government. 'Be the change you want to see'- this is something that I have always believed in. Although an extremely difficult task, some day I definitely want to play a role in the restructuring of the Indian judiciary.

International relations and Political Science are my anticipated degree choices, as I have both- a tremendous interest and an aptitude in them. I definitely want to make a positive impact on the world, something I will be able to do by being a part of the judicial or political system of a developing country like India. The United Nations has recently been called a redundant body- incapable of improving the situation of the world community, something I don't agree with. Being a part of the UN has always been a dream, which if realized will help me help the world.

Hello,

Why does Brown appeal to you as an option? In order to answer this, you must first know what you stand for, what Brown stands for, and how these two are compatible. In the first essay, you mention a lot of generic reasons why Brown is a good school -- can you be more specific? Given your 1000 character limit, it is crucial that you pack as much punch as possible into every word you write.

"I believe" in the first paragraph dilutes the force of what you're saying. We already know this is what you 'believe' or 'think.' Cut out extraneous phrases and get to the point. Moving on, is not "experience" the "best way" to "come to grips" with any subject? Politics and international relations are not alone in this regard. Moreover, this does not clarify for the reader why you want to attend Brown. What is your interest in politics and international relations? What is your ultimate goal? What steps will you take to achieve this goal, and how is Brown the perfect place for you to take these steps? Virtually every institution has "distinguished faculty, unique study abroad and internship programs." Be careful not to regurgitate information that a) the admissions committee already knows, and b) may be found in a Brown guide-book. You cite a number of statistics -- this is not the most efficient use of your space!

Maybe you start with: why does the open curriculum really appeal to you? Dive deep into that question and really push your analysis. The answer might lead you to more specific details about your background and future goals. Along the same lines, rather than listing your resume in paragraph form (your experiences in Bangalore), mine them for how they make you a good candidate. For example, how did mock trial make you grow? How did it prepare you for Brown? Resist the temptation to include everything you've ever done -- and instead focus on writing a targeted, clear, concise and dynamic essay.

In the second essay, is it absolutely necessary to address five academic fields? Do they ask for this expressly, or is it possible to mention fewer? It seems a bit discursive. Assuming that you must answer five, I would encourage you to narrow your discussion(s). For example, in one paragraph you address your interests in teaching, the environment and media. These are three huge categories -- to group them together is a bit reductive.

I really like your mention of the "instances of inadequate political dialogue and failed political systems, such as those in Pakistan, Afghanistan and some areas of India." This is *specific* and *compelling.* You want to make sure you capitalize on content like this. WHY does this intensify your interest in the subject? Why does the entire Indian judicial system need restructuring? Would you ultimately like to be a part of this restructuring? Rather than covering all of your bases in a forgettable and superficial way, I recommend that you ask yourself what is most important to you -- what most accurately reflects your interests -- and stick to probing discussions of those topics.

You do not necessarily need to commit to a career path -- it's too soon for that, and Brown would not expect that of you at this juncture. Still, rather than presenting them with a rather juvenile, "I want to do everything and take on the world" message, present them with a clear and thoughtful message that illuminates who you are, what your purpose is, and why you are an entirely unique candidate.

I hope you find these suggestions helpful. We would be happy to discuss this with you further & work with you to bring these essays to the next level. Best of luck with everything!

Kind regards,
Brooke
Editor
Ivy Eyes Editing

Hey, thankyou so much for your inputs. Will rework my essay tonight. Would appreciate it if you could take a look at it when i'm done :)

Following you on twitter now thanks

French novelist Anatole France wrote: "An education isn't how much you have committed to
memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you do know
and what you don't." What don't you know?

What don't I know? If I began to list all that I don't know, the result would be a very thick encyclopedia
- or maybe even numerous volumes of an encyclopedia!
I don't even know how much I don't know. I don't seem to know all about any subject in depth. I love

asking questions. Not all the answers I find make me happy.
I don't know why I couldn't see a single meteor, even when I stayed up till 3 a.m., hoping to catch a
glimpse of the Leonid Meteor Shower.
I don't know why I feel so calm after a long run. Or why I just can't seem to understand chemistry. Or
how to speak Japanese, Slovakian or even Assamese. Or who took my copy of 'Great Expectations'
from my locker last Thursday.
I don't know if black holes really exist and, if they do, what happens if you enter one? What happens
after death? Do ghosts and spirits exist? How does it feel to be on top of Mount Everest? How do
peoples' minds really work (studying psychology at high school didn't help too much)?
My list goes on and on... and on....
I don't know, and can't understand, why there is so much hatred in the world, between countries and
people.
There are many things that I don't know, and will probably never know. There are also those things that
I don't know, which I can learn with the click of a button. I didn't know the molecular formulae of
Dinitrophenylhydrazine exactly 10 seconds ago. Thanks to Google, I now know that it's C6H6N4O4. The
internet has made it so easy for anyone to find out virtually anything.
What I do know, I have learned through observation, school, books, people, media and most
importantly- experience. Education is important, but I feel that experience contributes more to
knowledge, as all prior experiences affect how we interpret and grasp new knowledge
I know that hate and anger are never worth it and that happiness can only truly be gauged if one has
experienced pain.
I sometimes prefer to ignore the scientific knowledge that I have gained at school and let my
imagination take over. This makes everything seem so much more exciting and fun.
I know that rainbows are caused due to the refraction of light when sun rays hit drops of water and that
rainbows don't actually touch the ground. Despite knowing this, the childish part of me chooses to
believe that leprechauns chase the treasure which can be found where rainbows touch the ground.
I don't think that it's important, advisable (or even possible) for everyone to know everything. If we
knew everything, the mystery and excitement of life would be lost.
Among other things that I don't know- I am not yet sure of what I want to do after I graduate - but I do

know that it has to make a positive difference to our world.

The first two answers are... great. However, it's too bad you cannot exceed the character limit and therefore should look for a way to cut out more than half of your answers for each prompt.

So... Here are my suggestions.


For example, this sentence is somewhat repetitive. Without it, the message you're trying to convey will not be lost.


The adcoms will probably know you have good grades by referring to your transcript. Also, I'm a bit concerned about the part after the comma... Again, I don't think there'd be a major change in your 2nd paragraph if you remove this sentence altogether.


Hmm... sounds quite generic. Besides, these sentences don't deal with why and how your experiences at MUN helped you to develop communication and diplomacy skills.

Oh, btw, since you are going to talk about MUN mainly for the second prompt, maybe it's not such a good idea to write about it twice.

Moving on,


and


Some parts of these two sentences overlap. Plus, "I definitely... world" part is generic.


This last sentence from your answer to the last promt contradicts your statements you had made in your answer for the 2nd prompt. Didn't you mention that you want to become a diplomat?

Lastly, try to avoid using phrases like "I feel, definitely(as in "I definitely want to...", etc.

Okay... I hope this helps.

Thankyou :)
Can anyone help me shorten them further please

In the summer after grade 11, I interned During an internship at Aditya Sondhi Law Chambers, Bangalore, through which I got an opportunity to visit...

The United Nations has recently been called a redundant body- incapable of improving the situation of the world community, something I do not agree with the notion that the UN will always remain a "redundant body."