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Why Brown - poetic, maybe too much?

poisonivy 14 / 102  
Jan 4, 2010   #1
Please tell us more about your interest in Brown: Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply? (1000 characters)

Because my most treasured possessions: favorite sweater, stuffed friend and chocolate are brown. Because I adore the sight of the Wayland Tower under a white veil. Because brown.edu is my homepage. Because the mentoring of a Nobel prize winner, Leon Cooper, and an overall brilliant faculty would make my academic experience unparalleled. Because I look forward to satisfying my restless desire for exploration through the vast opportunities of Independent Neuroscience Research. Because I see in Brown a globalized environment whose diversity I can yet foster - I crave for Albania to join the countries represented in Brown's student body. Because Brown means freedom to both concentrate in Neuroscience and fully experience my passion for theater. Because I want to share my unusual ideas with unique, diverse people. Because I want to emerge in the vibrant student life by becoming an emPOWER activist and adopting a grandparent.

And because I want to embrace life fully, I already feel a brunonian.
(this is 1003 char.)

Why are you drawn to the academic fields you indicated in the Anticipated Degree and Academic Interest questions above?
Today I understand what Einstein meant when he said that everything is relative. 45 minutes practically seem years when I have to solve relativity problems, while they pass as a brain-refreshing breeze when I am emerged in those beautiful class discussions in Biology. During 4 years of Biology classes throughout high-school, I have experienced the excitement of discovering things that hooked me, the possibility to provide answers to many questions and a natural curiosity to find out more. However, many "why"s are still unanswered. "Why do we dream? What are the emotions? How are the memories stored?" It is surprising that science, with its galloping advance, has no answer to these questions. I am drawn to Neuroscience because I want to find the answers, to expand my limits, to reach for depths which have not yet been discovered. In a field where many potentially life-revolutionizing questions are still unanswered, I am thrilled by the possibility to discover and to make a change.

How do you find them? Any suggestions (both grammar and content)? Thank you a lot. :)
rapoch 9 / 28  
Jan 4, 2010   #2
Awesome, creative writing style! really enjoyed it. Usually starting a sentence with because and repeating the same beginning throughout an entire essay is problematic. In your case, however, it fit perfectly!

Could you take a look at my revised columbia one? Thx! :)
surideku - / 4  
Jan 4, 2010   #3
Great job! I think the people who edited before me got throught the grammar points, i just have a few ideas to make it sound better...

I have experienced the excitement of discovering things(maybe a different word than "things")that hooked me

I am drawn to Neuroscience because I want to find(maybe instead of "find" you can put "unravel" the answers

Hope this helps and let me know if you have any questions:)
srandhawa 10 / 157  
Jan 4, 2010   #4
im not a big fan of how your first essay begins, because i wear brown, and your whole idea of freedom in neuroscience and meeeting diverse people is vague(i know its hard to get to any specifics with such a small limit but i just think you take away from your essay with listing all these things back to back, and i'd argue alot of these really arent relevant, but still, all in all the first one is a good essay, better than most brown will get on that topic, if i were you i'd focus more on the leon cooper, tower and albania ideas but what you do is fine if you choose to keep it as it is.

as for the second one, your biology idea is cliched, everybody talks about the possibilites of biology and curiosity, theres no way of fully getting around this, but you can at least try to make it less direct and evident, the way you focus your ideas is just too much like most in biology and really wont make your essay stand out, although it is well written.

Anyway, could you take a look at mine if you get a chacne

thanks alot, good luck

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