Personal "bump in the road" and Why i chose to apply at UCF

My family has been suffering for the last few years. Two years ago, while getting ready to graduate High school and prepare myself for college, my parents split and my dad left us with little to no money. This left my mother with the burden of supporting three children alone. While he was gone he spent an incredible amount of money buying unnecessary goods. My oldest brother now lives on his own while in college; however he made some unintelligent decisions and lost his scholarship causing my mom to have to take out a loan for him. As of now my family is very low on money and we are unable to pay the bills. With this deficiency our house is in default. With three children in college and the acts of this economy, it is very hard for my mother to help us pay for what we cannot afford. As young adults, we do not make enough money to pay for our college, and without the help of our mother, it makes the situation tough.

There are is several reasons why I chose to apply at UCF. One reason would be the amazing city it is located in. I live in Venice, Florida which is a very small town with little to do. Orlando however is much larger and there is so much more to do and go out and experience in this city. More importantly, I chose to apply at UCF because this renowned school is spoken so highly of. I have several friends who attend there and they all love it and say they couldn't have chosen a better school. Also, I have heard highly of UCF's new Medical School, they only accept the best of the best. I believe that with the education of UCF, I will be one of those highly educated successful Medical students. I intend on becoming a pediatrician, and I believe that UCF's Medical school will provide the astounding education that I will need in becoming a successful pediatrician.

first one: talk about how it helped you grow as a person. and how you survived all that

second one: add more.

Two years ago, while I was getting ready to graduate High school and prepare myself for college, my parents split and my dad left us with little to no money.------it is not quite right without "I was"

...however he made some unintelligent decisions and lost his scholarship, caus ing my mom to have to take out a loan for him. As of now my family is very low on money and we are unable to pay the bills. (already said this)

With three children in college and the status of this economy, it is very hard for my mother to...

As you get to the end of that first para, stop repeating over and over that you are having financial hardship and give the "moral of the story," the thesis statement.

You capitalized "medical" toward the end, and it should not be capitalized...

Good luck!! :-)