I'm not sure how to end the piece. The last sentence of the essay doesn't seem to summarize my essay.
Also, I would like to hear other opinions on my essay. Any comments on grammar, wording, or content of the essay would be nice too :D
Thank you all in advance!
Here are the directions:
The Personal Statement is our best means of getting to know you and your best means of creating a context for your academic performance. When you write your personal statement, tell us about those aspects of your life that are not apparent from your academic record:
a character-defining moment
the cultural awareness you've developed
a challenge faced
a personal hardship or barrier overcome
Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrates your character or helped to shape it.
It happened that day. I still can't believe it. That burst of red gushing fluid shooting out. Yes, I did it. I ate a tomato. I was in seventh grade at that time. After the most grueling game of tag ever played, I was at Michael's house-Michael was and still is my best friend. There was a hunger in my tummy that I could not contain; I knew that I would eat like a horse at his house. When we walked through the door, I could smell the tender, sizzling beef, the aroma of perfectly cooked rice, and the scent of oven roasted potatoes. Today's dinner was going to be a good one.
I ran into the kitchen and greeted Mrs. Liu, and scanned with my eyes to see if my nose was working properly. Yup, there was the beef, the rice, and of course, the potatoes. On the edge of the table, however, I saw something that made my legs feel like jelly.
There they were, those vile, wretched things. I looked at their revolting red skin with disgust for they were my mortal enemy. The Voldemort of my school, the Kryptonite of my powers, my arch nemesis: tomatoes. They looked seemingly innocent while chopped up into quarter sections, but I knew better. Tomatoes were wolves disguised in sheep's clothing.
I instantly excused myself and promptly plopped in the living room chair. In the sofa next to me I saw Samantha, Michael's little 5-year-old sister. I adored her for she was very cute and quite friendly.
I asked her, "Hi Samantha, what did you do today?"
"I helped out Mommy," she replied earnestly.
"Oh, that's great! What did you do for her?"
"I cooked the tomatoes. I hope you like them."
My heart sank. There was no way that I couldn't eat them without hurting Samantha's feelings. Dinner time was quickly approaching, and I needed to find a way to avoid the tomatoes, fast. I could say that I was full, despite the loud moans escaping from my stomach every minute. I could say that I couldn't eat because my tooth was hurting, even though Michael saw me gobble up two ten-piece boxes of McDonald's Chicken McNuggets earlier in the day. Just like how donkeys are so stubborn, I was determined to not eat a single tomato.
Unluckily for me, I was out of time; I spent too much time pondering for excuses to actually come up with a plausible one. Mrs. Liu, Michael, Samantha, and I all sat down on different sides of the rectangular table. I was sitting across from Samantha.
"Mommy, David said he was going to eat a lot of tomatoes!" Samantha said innocently.
Even though I clearly remembered that I did not say that, Samantha seemed so happy that I was going to try out her dish. I was on the edge of a cliff; should I eat the tomatoes and make her satisfied or would I become the devil and make her cry?
At that moment I had an epiphany. Forget my previous convictions; there was no chance in the world that I would make the adorable Samantha cry. For the sake of someone else's enjoyment, I would sacrifice myself and face my despicable adversary. Throughout the night, I ate tomato after tomato. The explosion of juice flowing throughout my mouth was horrible, but I continued to eat just so that I could see Samantha's glowing smile. Her smile was so big it was as if she stuck an orange peel in front of her teeth.
After dinner, Mrs. Liu said to me, "Wow, David, I didn't know you liked tomatoes so much. We'll make some every time you come over now!"
When faced with a self-imposed barrier of eating tomatoes, my adoration of another was the propelling force toward successfully overcoming my dislike of tomatoes.
Haha you are quite dramatic about those awful tomatoes!
Just like how donkeys are so stubborn-- I would say: I was as stubborn as a donkey
When faced with a self-imposed barrier of eating tomatoes, my adoration of another was the propelling force toward successfully overcoming my dislike of tomatoes. I feel like it is missing something... I wonder how you felt about tomatoes after that? Did you end up liking them after all? Or were they not as horrible as you had expected? So what is the purpose of your story, what is the lesson learned? Is the moral of the story that sometimes you must do things that are out of your comfort zone in order to please others? That is what it sounds like to me, by the way you wrote the conclusion. Or the moral is that you need to try new things in life? I would clear this up, and definitely clearly state the meaning of the story. You have a unique writing style, excellent topic (btw- I hate tomatoes!) GOOD LUCK IN SCHOOL!
