Cal Tech and I - Cal Tech supplemental essays

Members of the Caltech community live, learn, and work within an Honor System with one simple guideline; "No member shall take unfair advantage of any other member of the Caltech community." While seemingly simple, questions of ethics, honesty and integrity are sometimes puzzling. Share a difficult situation that has challenged you. What was your response, and how did you arrive at a solution? (200 word max)

I used to sell origami swans and candy to my friends to raise money just to have. But when they didn't pay immediately I would pester them until they did. In retrospect, I was a tad bit of a jerk about it... and I, rightfully so, lost a few friends for it. However, with this rapacity for money came a respect for it. I was always thinking of ways to earn money, never how to steal it.

One day a group of friends and I were walking back to class and I noticed a flash of green. The first thing I did was loudly exclaim "DID ANYONE DROP $20", disrupting at least three separate classes. I may have had morals at the time, but I was still developing common sense. While my friends were visibly facepalming, not only because I was an idiot but also because I just gave away $20, Mrs. Smith approached us, despite her initial anger for disrupting her class, and walked us to the front office to deposit our findings to the proper authorities. The next day the teacher who lost the money, found us and rewarded our honesty with a Hershey's bar.

Looking back on it, I feel a bit ripped off, he could have at least sprung for the king size, but nevertheless, I would make the same decision today.

Any feedback so welcome. Thank you

Hi Andy, this is a one essay per thread forum so the rules tell me that I can only respond to one essay in this thread that you started. Not to worry though, just post the second supplemental essay in a new, dedicated thread and I am sure everyone here will jump in to help you out. In the meantime, let me focus on helping you with your first essay.

I would like to start by commending you on having the right sense to respond to the essay with an anecdote that clearly displays the Caltech prompt and its requirements. The display of honesty and integrity on your part is truly commendable and yes, you did deserve more than just a regular size Hersheys bar. I would have at least delivered you a reward that cost at least half of what you returned to me.

Just one critique though. You should have further developed the method by which you arrived at the solution to the problem. What possessed you to blurt out the question so loudly? Exactly where were you located that you managed to disrupt at least 3 classes? I believe that by being specific about why you thought shouting it out was the best solution, with some humor injected, will show the reviewer that you had "teenage common sense" at the time and find it even funnier. Aside from that, the essay prompt is properly responded to and reflects a sense of humor that the reviewer will definitely enjoy and remember.

@Holt
I changed it to this

"One day a group of friends and I were walking back to class and I noticed a flash of green. I don't remember exactly what I was thinking at the time probably because I didn't think at all. I just loudly exclaimed "DID ANYONE DROP $20", disrupting at least three separate classes."

But it feels a bit awkward now, with the past tense and all that. I think I still like the other one better "The first thing I did, without thinking, was loudly exclaim 'DID ANYONE DROP $20'"

Andy, if you still want to keep the version that you have then go ahead and do that. I am not here to change the voice of your essay. You need to make sure that your personality is reflected in the essay. So always go with your gut feeling when it comes to using certain parts of your essay. Even if I don't agree with you, it is what makes you comfortable with the essay content that counts the most. I guess there is only so much humor that can be injected into this essay. However, I still feel that you need to develop the part about how you came to the decision to just blurt out the question in some way. That is after all, the launching pad of the whole discussion. So if you can, try to develop something for it. Otherwise, you can make do with what you've got.

@Holt
I understand what you're saying, but I don't think I know how to do it. Does the edit I propose accomplish that? If so I think I can go from there and write it in a less awkward way.

Please tell me more about the scenario regarding how you found the $20. I need to know if you were walking the class hallways, if you were in the quadrangle where some classes were being held, or in some other area where lessons are taught amidst heavy foot traffic. Tell me as much as you about what happened. Don't omit details. I will see if I can help you develop the opening paragraph instead. I know it is hard to do because of your language limitation so I will do my best to help you formulate it instead. Do you think you can work with me on this paper that way? I'm more than happy to help you develop a more relevant paragraph. I just need your cooperation to do so. I will await the additional information so that I can send you a sample of how to fix the problem paragraph.

@Holt

Language limitation? Do you mean the word count because that could be an issue if you want to include a lot more details considering its already over 200.

But as for the details, three of us were walking back to class from the library and into the large common area. There were other classes walking through there at the time, this was elementary school. I can write up some imagery about the murals on the walls of the common if that adds detail.

When I say language limitation, I am referring to your lack of knowledge of the English language which could sometimes hinder the development of an essay. It does not have any relation with the word count of an essay which only has a relationship with the length or number of words in the written text. Thank you for the complete information. See if my suggested opening statement works for you:

While walking back to class from the library, my friends and I had to pass through the large common area of our school. Since other classes were going on and the common area surrounded by classrooms, we did our best to keep quiet so as not to disturb the ongoing lectures. So you can imagine the irritation of the teachers when, upon spotting a $20 on the ground, I loudly asked "Who dropped a $20?" Shattering the concentration of students in at least 3 classrooms...

Use that as the basis of your revised essay. I believe that you can see the kind of necessary changes that I have been suggesting to you as applied in the opening statement I created.

@Holt

I don't know where your intimation that I don't know English comes from, aside from the slight typo in my post "Any feedback so welcome" that I couldn't figure out how to edit, and honestly i feel kinda insulted.

But that aside thank you for the intro skeleton, I'll see if I can work with it. But I don't know how much wiggle room they give on word limit

Andy, I apologize for making you feel insulted. That was not my intention. when I mentioned language limitation, and lack of knowledge of the English language, I meant that in terms of an English as a Second Language user. There are always some slight drawbacks to not being a native speaker in terms of spoken English and English essay development. That is all that I was pointing out. I did not mean it as an an insult. What I did not make clear I guess, is that I understood where the shortcomings and problems with your essay development may be coming from. If I was mistaken, then I hope you accept my profuse apologies. Don't worry, you will develop the best essay that you can. The others here at the forum will make sure of that.

@Holt
Where exactly is my essay lacking due to my lack of knowledge of English?

Andy, I hope you are not angry at me for the use of the term "language limitation". I am going to limit my participation in this thread because I fear having offended you previously. I realize we have a communication gap going here and I will not do anything to further add to your feeling insulted, disappointed, dislike for my advice. I hope others here can advice you as well.

Like I said, the problem with your essay comes from the way that you presented the situation. You were unable to present a clear scenario that would explain why the teacher would storm out of the classroom and take you the "principal's office" so to speak. While it was not a negative event in the essay, a clearer set up of the scenario would have resulted in a better understanding of how the events unfolded in relation to the prompt. Please refer to posting #2 where I explained the lack of development in your essay. The succeeding exchanges that we had from that point in is where my use of the term "language limitation" stemmed from. Specifically refer to your response in #5. That is where I came to the assumption that you have an English language limitation. Again, my apologies for having insulted you.